I am thankful.

Last night I needed to get out and talk. I've been needing to talk which is why I'm considering looking into seeing a counselor. I'm thankful for a friend who let me call and ask if I could come in. It was late, last minute and I didn't feel like I was imposing, even though I was.

This morning I spent some time reading and praying and I can't say that I -feel- like anything is any better but I shouldn't be basing much on my feelings anyhow since they're pretty much a mountain right now.

Bottom line. I have a friend, and I am very thankful.

One more thing

I love it when a song speaks so deeply to me. This one paints such literal pictures. Lately, it's this one. You can click on the text to see the music video of it.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Always Winter but Never Christmas

I remember when Christmas inspired some kind of wonder in me. Lately, I think it's making me sick. Not Christmas but what some people in my life have made it. Ugh. I detest this new feeling of dread and anger and worry that replaced my joy and warmth and comfort. Somehow, someway, I'm going to get back my joy.

--

Someone disappointed me this weekend. They hurt someone I love and then when confronted with it, didn't seem to care that they had done so.

I enjoyed one day out of my whole extended weekend. James gets 2 weeks vacation for the entire year and this year we spent one week in FL with is family and we just spent Mon and Tues with them too and the refusal to face issues means we now spent a week and a half of the entire 2 weeks we have for a whole year and I'm left wondering why I even bother or care.

I mean, how often do they pursue time with us in Indiana? Not task related but just for the sake of spending time and not accomplishing anything but building relationships? I get all sorts of worried about making sure we spent the time we're supposed to be there for holidays but at what cost? I'm angry, annoyed, and feeling yuck.

I hate having people re-parent everything I do.

----

I've been reading Lisa Bevere's book Fight Like A Girl. I'd like to come back and share some of it soon. I've also been fasting for a couple of weeks, although I did take off the weekend while we were gone as I haven't tried fasting on a "vacation" before. It's been a real battle lately spiritually and I felt like my November physical ailments were definitely a spiritual attack too so when my friend kind of challenged me to join her and her husband in fasting, I let her know that when my body got into full health, I would. Well, at the end of the first week in December, I felt like I had regained strength and health so I began my fasting journey.

When I spoke with James about it briefly, letting him know that I told this friend, I'd talk with him about joining me, he said "it's not really fasting breakfast when you sleep til noon". You know, it took everything in me to not say what I wanted to say. I wake up super hungry in the mornings. The first thing I like to do is eat a huge bowl of cereal. For me to give up that meal, is to deny my body what I really want to do. It's a conscious effort. I can skip lunch any day of the week. Breakfast was definitely the bigger sacrifice which is why I picked it. Second, I was hoping we could do this together, for a FEW reasons but getting the reaction that I did kind of crushed me a bit. IT really hurt my feelings.

I am planning on starting my fast back up tomorrow and continuing until at least Christmas. I need to step up my prayer time and reading time and my being still and waiting time. Others can say what they like but my goal is to be pleasing to God and as I journey in this time, I want to hear something new and want to experience more of Him. I feel like a breakthrough is coming with the teens but it's not just going to happen. Talking about it isn't going to make it happen. Hoping it happens isn't going to make it happen. Wishing someone else would do more isn't going to make it happen. So, praying and fasting for some divine revelation.

More later on the book.....

After picture

Before Picture

Battle of the Bulge

Last Christmas, we had our family picture taken. I looked at them and was really unhappy with how I looked. Of course, up until that point, I'd just assumed all my pants were shrinking from having been dried in the dryer, not because I'd put on weight. haha

Seeing myself, I hated how my face looked chubby and I didn't feel like I looked like me. I kind of felt the need to lose some weight. I didn't weigh myself often at that point. I had gone to the doctor early this year though and she pointed out that I'd put on a couple of point since the last time. I had gotten up the point where I was almost at my delivery weight with Ekaterina. It was embarrassing.

I started exercising and watching what I ate. Nothing drastic. Just smaller portions. I lost about 7 pounds before going on vacation to Florida in June. On vacation, I lost 2 more. I ate a TON but I was walking so much. Hours out of my day were spent walking and swimming. I loved being able to eat so much and yet still lose.

I came back and held about the same. A few weeks ago, I joined weight watchers. I haven't had HUGE success but I have lost a few more pounds. I haven't had more success because I haven't been rigid. It's all me, not WW. Still, I'm happy to have lost more. I'm down 5 pounds from my after vacation weight. That's 14 pounds since the doctor told me I'd "gained a couple" ;) .

Over the last week or two, I've really struggled with the concept of not just losing weight but maintaining weight. It's hard and quite honsetly, not really all that fulfilling on my stomach. It might be fulfilling for the mirror or my pictures (and even only sometimes then) but I hardly ever feel really that happy with what I'm able to eat to be healthy and not gain.

It is kind of sad to think about how much food consumes my thoughts. As I have a bag of candy (combined from three kids worth of 2 trips of trick or treating) sitting in my kitchen, it's been very tempting. I don't know if it's because I'm actually watching what I eat and I'm not supposed to have it or if it's because I really want it.

So there you have it. That is my struggle. I like food. I don't like giving it up. I LOVE being healthier and I really enjoy fitting back into the pants that I thought that shrunk when really it was just me that gotten bigger. ;)

I've tried three times now to upload pictures. All three times, they put my text, get added in a different order.

GRRRR. No photos for now.

It's been while...

After that week of painting, my life seemed to kind of go into overdrive. All three of the kids took turns getting sick. I am so thankful that it was just a mild fever and some quieter than usual kids and not any kind of flu. God is so gracious!

We're trying to decide what kind of vacation days to take before the year is up. Unline certain cell phone plans, James' vacation days don't "rollover". lol We haven't taken anything since June when we went to Florida and hadn't taken any in the year before that.

I'm hoping we'll get to spend a Sunday away to enjoy a service at the church we were on staff at last. We love going to Life Church and spending time with our family there. Hopefully it will be Christmasy service. Love those!

I noticed this year that God allowed us to savor the changing of the leaves. Last year, something happened and nothing really changed. They were there, and then they died and fell. Not much color. This year, it was a full couple of weeks of beauty. I love it! I'm looking forward to Thanksiving this year with my family. Both of my grandpas have had some health problems. It seems like in the blink of an eye they went from "getting older" to "old". I hate thinking about them not always being in my life.

We have had some great things happen in our youth group. Still, I'd like to see more growth in numbers. Spiritual growth and maturity IS growth though so I am very thankful for that. We had 11 baptisms at service on Wed. 4 of them were adults, 2 kids, and 5 youth.

Our home group went well last night. We seemed to click as a study group and a young man who has never prayed aloud in a group before did so the previous session and did again last night. He also asked James afterward, if we offer any classes for adults who are more like children spiritually. I'm just so excited to see things happening. We're looking at really strengthening how -we- do ministry. We want to make sure we're really discipling and not just leaving people at conversion to fend for themselves.

I think that's enough updates for one post. I'll try to be more regular. (for my 2-3 readers. lol)

Redecorating

One of my favorite things to do is to change the look of a room. In college, we had to bear with the cream walls or paneling and I hated that I couldn't buy some paint and change up the scenery. Much to my roommates dismay, I rearranged our furniture about once a month. Always looking for a slightly better look or arrangement, I found it therapeutic.

My husband is not really fond of my tendency to change things up. He likes routine and regularity and wants to be able to walk through the house in the dark without tripping over something new. Lucky for me, he doesn't care much for doing the work himself so he just leaves it when I change it. (hehe)

When we moved into our current house 2 years ago, my sweet grandpa who was about 68 at the time, helped me paint my kitchen. Once the paint was up, the paint wasn't what I expected it to be. I was planning on taking the paint back to the store to see if they could retint it a bit. Before I had the chance, my grandpa was taking down the painter's tape. As much as I love the look of a freshly painted room, I do not like taping. So, I left it the color it was.

We recently got some "new" (for us) furniture. It used to belong to my parent's. It is a tan sectional couch. Gone are the eggplant microfiber loveseat and couch. I was very excited to get rid of my purple walls. I needed a change. Now they are a lovely shade of green. I am thinking of creating my own paintings to add some colored artwork to the room instead of having only photos.

I think I'm also going to paint the back of my built in china cabinet. It's white on the outside, and the shelves are white but the back is a light colored wood. It doesn't match anything else because the wood that is on the rest of the walls had been restained previously by someone else to a much darker color. I think if I paint the back of the cabinet it will make the dishes "pop" more. Who knows.

My next project should be to go through my closet and room because our bedroom could easily be declared a natural disaster area by the President if he saw it. It's embarrassing. ;P

Til next time...when hopefully I can post some pictures, goodnight!

Quiet

To sin by silence when they should be protesting makes cowards out of men. - Abe Lincoln

Truth fears no question.

“To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.” Benjamin Franklin

For all the bad rep that being outspoken gets, I'm beginning to think that "silence" can be just as loud, screaming in it's own way a very specific opinion.

I get that I'm opinionated. I get that I probably could learn a thing or two or three about being quiet. I've not blogged in a while because it might just get me into trouble. LOL The thing is, the people that are silent or that give someone the silent treatment or that refuse to speak up for truth are not necessarily the "better" person or the better communicator. There must be middle ground between being outspoken and being unable to speak with someone about conflict.

I'm finding it pretty difficult to overcome some old stereotypes of how women are supposed to communicate and act. There are many times I don't feel very good at much. I'm terrible at organization when it comes to papers and records and bills.... I'm terrible at exercising patience. I'm not very good speaking to large groups or at anything musical.

I do, however, feel I am pretty good at critical thinking and thinking ahead. I like to really dissect and idea or concept and weigh options and scenarios. The problem I'm running into is, many times, people don't want their bubble burst. They don't want to have to fix what might cause a problem later and they don't like not being "right".

In the end, it's not even about being right. It's about preventing harm, hurt, or trouble. Makes sense to prevent it rather than have to fix it later. Not everyone agrees though.

Sighs.

If only I could find my place in this world.

One Size Doesn't Fit All

The word religion grinds on my nerves. I hate it. Probably because I've heard many a person say "I'm religious" or "I'm spiritual". This can mean they believe a god exists or that they practice tarot card reading. Neither means they serve God.

Back to the book I mentioned a couple of posts ago, "A Contrarian's Guide To Knowing God", the second chapter is titled Religion or Relationship?. We, as Christians, get good at reminding people that Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship. However, Osborne brings up a good point.

Just look at our models of spiritual formation. Almost all our books, seminars, workshops, and programs are heavily weighted toward religious practice and self-discipline. They show us how to do religion in hopes that it will produce relationship.

Ouch. Another thought worth pondering again.

But religion and relationships have little to nothing in common. Religion places a major emphasis on rules and rituals that are supposed to either manipulate God or earn His favor

.

Osborne believes that the obvious sign that something is religion and not relationship is when it presents a "one size fits all" approach. He backs up this belief with some stories about relationships. A friend who had a very happy, loving, successful marriage found himself alone when his wife passed away. When he remarried, some of his friends were surprised. His new wife was so different than the first. They enjoyed doing things that he and his first wife didn't. While long walks in the park and reading together helped his first marriage blossom and bloom, the second was full of adventure in the outdoors.

Osborne asks the question:

Now, imagine if Matt had insisted on doing marriage with his second wife exactly as with the first - the same communication patterns, the same special moments, the same interpersonal rituals.

.....

Obviously Matt is just one person, the same guy in each of his two marriage. But his wives weren't the same.

How does this apply to relationship vs religion? Well, we all tend to claim we value relationship more. We foster our relationship with God and we want others to do the same. However, when how one person fosters that relationship doesn't look like the way we foster ours, we tend to get a bit critical, even judgmental. I know I do.

It's no different in our relationship with God. Certainly, He's always the same, but we're sure different. And something tells me God doesn't just put up with our differences, He savors them - and adapts to them. After all, He's the one who created all these unique traits, even those we aren't so fond of in others.

Can I just insert a

smiley here?

The above bolding was my emphasis. If God doesn't just put up with our differences but rather savors them, why do we get so huffy and puffy when someone isn't lining up with OUR view of things. It's not that they're not lining up with the Bible. No, it's just not lining up with what we think.

What about family relationships. Osborne shares the differences between his relationship with his father and his brother's. Both close, strong and valid relationships. However, they were both developed and strengthened by different means.

He shared that there was one dad, one set of house rules, however uniquely different ways of relating. House rules said "Stay out of trouble, do your homework, be home before curfew, go to church, and make sure mom or dad knows where you are and who you're with" These were the same for everbody. That's the way it is with God. The house rules are the clear commands of Scripture. Osborne points out the examples of forgiveness, honesty, no sex before marriage as clear commands or house rules.

Like most relationships though, Osborne's parents had a flexible set of guidelines and expectations for the different kids. While the rule was "do your homework", a tendancy to procrastinate for one child might lead to the guideline of homework first-play later. Yet, the child who regularly received good grades might get a "get it done whenver you want" freedom.

What about quality time? One son talked to his dad. About everything. As far as that son saw it the key to a great relationship with dad was talking. The other son, they spend time going to football games and talking statistics and plays. This son is sure the key is doing activities with dad.

Neither son had a hard time fostering that relationship and both had success at it. Dad loved each of his boys greatly and he didn't want them to be anything that who they were.

This chapter challenged to me to think about our one size fits all approach to relaltionships in the name of faith or religion. Our formulas and recipes might just have to be tossed out and as Osborne points out:

We must recognize them for what they are - mere religion in the guise of relationship.

Hmmm. Some verses to think on.

Romans 14:1-6, 13, 17-18, 22

Romans 15:7

From The Message (a paraphrase, not a translation)

^2-4For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume he should only be a vegetarian and eat accordingly. But since both are guests at Christ's table, wouldn't it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn't eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God's welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

Contrarian Thinking

My husband, James, has been on a reading binge lately. Partly, imo, because the places that should be ground for him to experience growth, have been barren and dry. He's searching and trying to find ways to stretch himself and learn something. He's inspired me a bit because I just don't read books much anymore. I prefer reading material that I can sit down with and get through in one sitting....think magazines and newspapers.

Well, he received a book from a friend for free. It's by Larry Osborne and it's called A Contrarian's Guide to Knowing God: Spirituality for the Rest of Us. He read it a while ago and would read me bits and pieces that struck him. I thought it was a book that I'd like to digest.

We're currently at a pretty conservative church and not thinking like the guy in charge often is associated with not thinking correctly and even rebellion. I think Larry might be onto something.

Larry says:

It's the end result that matters, not the pathwe take to get there. If something produces a great walk with God for you, it's a great path to take. If not, it's probably a waste of time, even if lots of other folks highly recommend it.

How true! Larry's not talking about "whatever path" in the all paths lead to the same place. Please know he's talking about the tools we use. What may work for someone, might not be what God has called me to. God is such a personal God and because He created me and knows me, He knows how I will best grow.

He goes on to say:

The way we're wired really matter. Whenever we project what works for us onto everyone else, we create frustration and legalism.

Ouch.

What about these methods we're told are requirements. We should do x and x and x and it will equal the highest of spiritual maturity and the holiest of Christians. We must pray for hours on end, read the Bible and the scholars and throw in the latest trend in Christian books.

Osborne brings up the subject of all of this reading. Where did that leave those before the press was invented. Were they never able to obtain an intimate and true relationship with their Maker and Saviour? What about dislexics? Are they doomed to mediocrity in their walk with Christ?

Sure makes one think.

Osborne continues:

I was also puzzled by our widespread emphasis on proper doctrine as central to having a good relationship with God . . . that caused me to wonder if sound doctrine is perhaps more the result of knowing and pleasing God than the primary and indispensable first step before He shows up.

I was blessed enough to be able to attend a Christian college where I felt the freedom to explore my faith as a young adult. I took the time to wade through what I was always told, what had been taught to me, and what I spent time talking to God about and searching and searching for more information on.

Those years of searching and growing were important for me as an individual to validate my true personal beliefs. Not ones that had just been passed down but ones that I took ownership for. I find that knowing doctrine is important because I feel inadequate to share my faith if I don't even understand it. But I think Larry shares a good point. Maybe sound doctine is a result of my relationship with God than my relationship a result of sound doctrine.

Those were simply some thoughts on Chapter 1. So much to chew on. So much to think about. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please share if you have any.

I Will Sing Praise

A refreshing song reminding me of God's goodness and faithfulness and my need to praise him in every season and every valley.

Desert Song by Hillsong United

-VERSE 1-
This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that's within me feels dry,
This is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides.

-VERSE 2-
And this is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness, or trial, or pain,
There is a faith proved more worth than gold,
So refine me, Lord, through the flame.

-CHORUS-
I will bring praise,
I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here.

-VERSE 3-
This is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way,
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
So firm on his promise I'll stand,

-REFRAIN-
All of my life, in every season,
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship,

-VERSE 4-
And this is my prayer in the harvest,
When favour and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again,
The seed I receive, I will sow.

10 Things About Me

My friend, Susanne, tagged me in her blog. I'm supposed to share 10 Things About Me.

How deep or how silly they're supposed to be, I don't know. ha ha

1. I started this blog because my husband's profession is one where I don't always feel free to be who I am or say what I desire to. Here is a place where I feel a bit safer.

2. My life feels unsettled.

3. I'm currently participating in the 30 Day Challenge. Dh and I are..... you get the point. Every day, for a month. :) A friend of mine decided to go for 60 days and then decided they were going to aim for 365 days. Whew, that's dedication. Sorry if this is TMI. ;)

4. I have a love for my parents that I wish more people had for theirs. I couldn't have asked for a better childhood. My parents gave me an example of such unselfish living and extravagant love. I fail miserably at being as unselfish and extravagant.

5. I'm stubborn, strong-willed, vocal, and not impressed by those that use power and intimidation. I hope to use these qualities that can be dangerous for good though.

6. My heart longs to go to Rome with James. One day, somehow...

7. I'd love to go on another mission trip someday.

8. I eat salt on my watermelon, peanut butter instead of syrup on my pancakes, and use flavored coffee creamer instead of milk in my french toast "batter".

9. I've recently lost about 10 pounds. Slowly. I hope to lose at least another 10.

10. I have a desire that I've expressed to God. I feel very inadequate with my prayers though lately.

I have no one to tag. :) The two ladies I follow have already done this. If you read this by chance, feel free to tag yourself and post a link in my comments so that I can check out your blog.

Teardrops In My Coffee Cup

Here recently, my dad invited me to join him for a cup of coffee at Denny's. Well, I ended up ordering some cheese fries too. I always think I will try something from that restaurant and always end up disappointed. The price of the food is not justifiable for the quality. Blech.

Anyhow, my dad is the sensitive type. He wants to be around his family and he wants to share his dreams with them and wants to listen to their dreams too. He's always been the kind of person that cries when a friend cries and rejoices when they rejoice. He's sincere and so uplifting.

We were talking life and at one point he asked me what was different about life at North Central. He hears me talk a lot about my experience at NCU and I speak of it with such fondness. Sometimes, I am sure I give off the vibe that I yearn for my days there and sometimes, I think I would love to go back and relive it a bit.

Aside from being able to become who I really was and not who people just saw me as (not Tom's daughter, not a pastor's kid, not the firstborn overachiever), I got to experience my faith in a way that I had never experienced it before.

At NCU I attended chapel daily some semesters and others, just on the days that I had classes. Chapels were good but I lived for Wednesday nights at 9:30pm. 9:30pm brought student led Praise Gatherings. These were services that were a time of worship. They weren't planned services with formalities. Just a bunch of young 18-25 year olds, singing their hearts out.

Since I graduated, I've looked for that place where I sensed God's presence in the way I did there.

Over a cup of coffee at Denny's, tears coming down my face, I answered Dad's question. What was so different about NCU? What was different was that it was a Bible College. A place full of men and women who felt called into ministry. Individuals who were called to be pastors and worship leaders and teachers of the Word. The music program there was full of students majoring in worship leading. Not because they just felt it would be fun but because they felt from God, a call on their life to lead people into the very presence of God. At NCU, we sang songs written by these students. I told my dad that I thought that "the church' at large who were stuck singing songs from 1987 or 1995 even were being bad stewards. God hasn't just called us to be good stewards of our money but of our time and talents too. If we are still living back in 1985, we are neglecting to use the very thing He has given us NOW.

As tears continued, I told my dad, "God didn't stop creating David's back in the Old Testament". I was walking the halls of NCU with modern day Davids. Modern day Moses' and Pauls and Peters and Johns.

Every time I think of the beautiful Psalms and songs that God is giving those students now, I cry thinking I'm missing out. I'm missing out on what God is pouring out right here and now. Anyone trained can pick up some sheet music and play a song, but when you get to experience the ministry of a David living right now, wow.

Remember Saul, how he would have David come and play and his spirit would be calmed? When someone has that calling on their life. That gifting that comes only from God, you know. There is no denying it and it's hard not to be so very thankful to our Father for blessing us with others who can encourage us in our faith and join with us in adoration to our King.

I miss those evenings at Praise Gathering. 9:30pm could never come too soon and the last song, whether at 11:30pm or 1 am, always came too early. I treasure those moments. Whether sitting in my seat writing in my prayer journal, raising my hands and voice in surrender, or kneeling at the altar praying with my closest friends. Those moments where my heart was soft, my heart and ears opened to God's voice, and the very tangible presence of God in the room....they will always be dear to me.

Law or Preference? Necessary or Personality?

Lately, I've been meditating on an issue that keeps coming up for me. Being in ministry, often times, everyone's eyes are on you. I've noticed many stylistic differences between churches, pastors, leaders, and teachers through the different churches I've attended, pastors I've worked with, leaders I've partnered with and teachers I've placed in classes or sat under.

There are many books out there to tell you the right way to do things. The best way. The most cutting edge way. Most of it is personal preference, personality coming into play.

I'm a bit of a vocal person. I don't hide my emotions. I don't keep everything private and put walls up around me unless a specific circumstance requires one.

It's been implied to us that we are doing things wrong. That it's not right for us to be who we are because it's not like them. I think as pastor's and leaders and people in ministry, we need to be careful that we are not making up rules and acting like they are Scripturally based. We shouldn't place limitations on people that are personality differences. We should hold Scripture and the Bible as truth and we should teach it as such.

Let us not use our positions to falsely condemn others or place the expectations of or comfort with ourselves on them. We can't claim preference as gospel.

it's been a while

Since I've read a book cover to cover. I like being able to read something start to finish in a sitting but I don't always have much time to do that so I avoid starting one altogether.

James likes to keep reading material in the bathroom. I picked up one of his books and started reading it. I think I might try to read the whole thing. Just in the first chapter and a half, I could sit there and think on the things I read.

I was thinking my friend, Susanne might enjoy reading it actually. I'd like to post some about it here but today I don't have time. Time to exercise and get some things done. Busy, busy week.

Spelling lesson

Tavian proudly came up to me and said, "Mom, I know how to spell chair".

"Ch" (making the ch blend sound) - "air" (like the word air).

Aw, I have THE smartest kid on the block!

June 1st

I was born on this day 31 years ago. My dad carved out a huge sign out of plywood and spray painted it pink. It said something like " Carmen Joy, it's a girl". They put it out in the yard long before those stork signs were the thing to do. My dad usually has to do things large amounts of energy and emotion behind them.

My birthday wasn't quite what I'd imagined in the sense that I picture a perfect day as one where I don't have to clean, where I can relax and enjoy the company of my family, and eat good food. ha ha! Today, I went to work, briefly came home and cleaned my kitchen some, and then headed back to work for a meeting.

I had a conversation with my friend, Joni, today about relationships. Some of my relationships, were formed online through websites and message boards. These friendships are not the surfacey acquaintances that people who don't have experiences with online relationships might picture them as. No, they're quite the opposite. We've gradually built things friendships and we've shared so much with each other. I "know" these ladies. It might sound silly or trivial to some but I get sad when I don't get to talk to them enough or when one of them goes quiet for a while. For these particular types of relationships, the internet and email are vital.

However, we talked about how our face to face, "IRL" relationships are a bit different. I shared with her how difficult I've often found it to build closer relationships with teenagers. We work with them at our church and they have grown up in the computer age and to them, email is old. They text or IM. They are used to being able to have 10 "conversations" going on at once and not really having to extend themselves truly in person.

This makes it extremely difficult for me to connect to them. I want to. I need to. I just need to figure out how they relate and then work at it. I feel stretched as a mom, a PT employee, a wife, etc and desire to know that what I'm doing is making a difference. That God is using me to accomplish something.

I need hope and so I turn to His word to encourage my soul.

Lamentations 3:

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:

Trying signature

I'm wondering why it's showing up so large. I had to manually resize it here by dragging the corners even though photobucket it showing it small. Hmmm. Sometimes technology puzzles me.

Honest to Blog.

I used to blog fairly regularly at Myspace but it was hard because I have a lot of people on my friends list and sometimes, I didn't really want everyone there reading what I had to say.

I guess I'd like a certain demographic reading and that's not there. (ha ha)

Life's been one heck of a roller coaster lately. I had a young girl at the Speed The Light walk a thon today come up to me and say "I really felt like I was supposed to pray a hedge of protection around you, so I did earlier". She continued on, "Have you been under attack a lot lately?". Uh, yeah. I gave her a very nondescript answer and was so thankful that someone so young would be so sensitive to the Holy Spirit speaking and then obedient to tell me. This girl didn't know me. She didn't know anything about me. Wow.

It was just a confirmation for me, that I'm not crazy. That it's not just us imagining some things. No matter how many others want to minimize the trials and circumstances, there's no denying they are there. We ARE going through some trials and I can only hope that I draw closer to God through them all.

In a week, we leave for Florida. I'm so excited to be leaving here and going somewhere to spend time with our extended family. First, James' mom and stepdad and his sister and her family. Then, Ekaterina and I stay and meet my sister and Gavin for another week. What a blessing this will be.

I hope to come home refreshed and renewed.