I remember when Christmas inspired some kind of wonder in me. Lately, I think it's making me sick. Not Christmas but what some people in my life have made it. Ugh. I detest this new feeling of dread and anger and worry that replaced my joy and warmth and comfort. Somehow, someway, I'm going to get back my joy.
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Someone disappointed me this weekend. They hurt someone I love and then when confronted with it, didn't seem to care that they had done so.
I enjoyed one day out of my whole extended weekend. James gets 2 weeks vacation for the entire year and this year we spent one week in FL with is family and we just spent Mon and Tues with them too and the refusal to face issues means we now spent a week and a half of the entire 2 weeks we have for a whole year and I'm left wondering why I even bother or care.
I mean, how often do they pursue time with us in Indiana? Not task related but just for the sake of spending time and not accomplishing anything but building relationships? I get all sorts of worried about making sure we spent the time we're supposed to be there for holidays but at what cost? I'm angry, annoyed, and feeling yuck.
I hate having people re-parent everything I do.
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I've been reading Lisa Bevere's book Fight Like A Girl. I'd like to come back and share some of it soon. I've also been fasting for a couple of weeks, although I did take off the weekend while we were gone as I haven't tried fasting on a "vacation" before. It's been a real battle lately spiritually and I felt like my November physical ailments were definitely a spiritual attack too so when my friend kind of challenged me to join her and her husband in fasting, I let her know that when my body got into full health, I would. Well, at the end of the first week in December, I felt like I had regained strength and health so I began my fasting journey.
When I spoke with James about it briefly, letting him know that I told this friend, I'd talk with him about joining me, he said "it's not really fasting breakfast when you sleep til noon". You know, it took everything in me to not say what I wanted to say. I wake up super hungry in the mornings. The first thing I like to do is eat a huge bowl of cereal. For me to give up that meal, is to deny my body what I really want to do. It's a conscious effort. I can skip lunch any day of the week. Breakfast was definitely the bigger sacrifice which is why I picked it. Second, I was hoping we could do this together, for a FEW reasons but getting the reaction that I did kind of crushed me a bit. IT really hurt my feelings.
I am planning on starting my fast back up tomorrow and continuing until at least Christmas. I need to step up my prayer time and reading time and my being still and waiting time. Others can say what they like but my goal is to be pleasing to God and as I journey in this time, I want to hear something new and want to experience more of Him. I feel like a breakthrough is coming with the teens but it's not just going to happen. Talking about it isn't going to make it happen. Hoping it happens isn't going to make it happen. Wishing someone else would do more isn't going to make it happen. So, praying and fasting for some divine revelation.
More later on the book.....
