Dinner For Four

It was supposed to be a great night. Dressed up, gift card, good food, great friends. Of course, the day had begun rocky to begin with. Kids off of school = fighting, blaming, food spills, biting ----> it was the day from hell.

I thought my night out was going to be my escape (insert Relient K song music) , I thought I was going to feel safe.

It started out well. We were a sharp looking bunch with gift cards in hand. We tried to talk life and the future, and (mostly) avoid office chat. The topic of our future came up and there is was, it fell of someone's mouth like it was a truth deeply ingrained in the heart. Only, It. Wasn't. True.

It's been 14 years since I left the front door of my parent's house on Stone Avenue. I headed to college with a lot of unknowns. All I knew was, it wasn't Portage and there were no preconceived ideas of who I was nor were there expectations of me based on my past. The world was wide open.

Through the last 14 years, there have been times where it's been insinuated and even times where it's been downright said, that I have to be near my family. Not in a "she really enjoys being near her family, they are really close", but a "she's attached, she doesn't function without them" kind of way. Now, what constitutes near for some people isn't near for others. This last accusation, it would hardly be "close". No closer than I was when we lived in Wisconsin. In fact, it would be even further. Considering where we are now, it would be "close". It's all perspective.

When do I get to drop this "reputation"? And when, does a person who is supposed to know me better, finally stop thinking about their self long enough to actually hear when I'm talking? I've given very specific reasons to contradict this thing that was said. Things I meant, and things I really feel.

It's as if this persons really OLD conceived notion will never die and no matter what happens, it's more fun to pin this on me. Here's a quote as to why I think this hasn't and perhaps won't die.

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.

What it comes down to is this. It's easier to displace the lack of knowing the future if you can just throw the focus on someone else. If this person has been listening at all over the last few months, they'd know that they were displacing things so that they didn't have to turn the spotlight on themselves and actually answer questions. Pride is one of the most dangerous ways to make decisions. It wasn't attractive when it was someone else you were watching do it. Why think the result will be better for you?

This person watched as I excused myself from the table, and headed to the bathroom where the tears fell more freely. Thankfully, another dear friend followed and hugged me and waited until I could collect myself.

Tired. I'm tired of fighting this image. I'm disappointed and hurt that this person didn't bother to apologize and reexamine their thinking.

“Memory in youth is active and easily impressible; in old age it is comparatively callous to new impressions, but still retains vividly those of earlier years”

Charlotte Bronte quotes

A Little Dose of Follow Through

Sometime, I'm guilty of not following through with my children. I definitely try to make sure I do, but there are those moments when it would cause me more hassle to follow through than I have the energy for.

I've been "promising" my daughter if she keeps putting CLEAN clothes in the DIRTY laundry hamper that I was going to make her do her own laundry. I'm tired of wasting soap, time, and energy on redoing laundry simply because she doesn't want to put it away the right way, the first time.

So, lucky for her, I'm feeling a burst of follow through. She has 2 loads of her own laundry that she will be folding when she gets home from school. Merry Wednesday, daughter.

Now, if I could work on my follow through with my littlest guy, the charmer, who tries to smile and laugh his way out of everything.... or my middle child who throws on the water works when things don't go his way.

Parenting is hard work!

Boundaries

I don't read often. Not often enough. As a kid, I'd get a book and finish it in the same day. I just can't do that anymore with little ones around constantly needing a drink or a snack or helping going to the bathroom. So, mostly, I stick to reading magazines or newspaper articles, you know, things I can get through in a sitting.

However, the exception is in the car. James and I will take turns reading to each other, especially on long road trips. James has been reading a lot over the last few months. Most of it, required reading that came with the internship. I have read parts of those books with him.

Most recently the book, Boundaries. Now, I won't pretend that I didn't see/read things that challenged me personally. Goodness knows, I stink at boundaries in many areas. For example, I bake/eat when I'm stressed, worried, depressed, .... bored. ALL terrible reasons to eat. I should set boundaries for myself but I fail more often than a boundary prevails.

I should have set a boundary for how much coffee I could have and how late I could drink it today. If I had, I might not be sitting here, wide awake, unable to sleep. I went to bed, but laying there wide awake, proved frustrating.

So, I was reading aloud to James this week, and in one of the chapters, an example of a situation is given when a wife is exhausted, worn out, and feeling like the family is not a priority. Her husband is gone at work often, and often working late. She decides she can finally talk with him about this and he breaks down, cries, and gives a sob story about how he just has a hard time saying no, and how he doesn't like to disappoint people.

The wife's response? "I found someone you can say 'no' to. Your wife and kids".

As I read this passage, I sat in my seat, wondering if it would "click" with James. We've had similar conversations in our very own home. I've heard all about how ministry is not a 9 to 5 job. I've heard how there are "seasons" of busyness. In the end, I don't think my issue is with seasons of busyness, but the lack of empathy and the inability to readjust the priorities.

In the end, the boss or co-workers, they have the advantage of my husband not wanting to disappoint them or make them mad, or let them down. When do I get to be on the receiving end of that?

Our schedule last week was fun, but crazy. Thankfully we did some things for James' job that enabled me to bring the kids along. However, they started back at school and James at work and Wed, Thur, Fri, Sat night all had activities, and Sunday was church and then required prayer in the evening. Then we hit this week, Monday we snuck in a family game of Sorry! before James finished his report for the rest of the evening, but that led into today which was small group, and tomorrow which is leaders meeting, and Thursday which is service. Of course, that's in addition to being in the office every day for the full day. Friday is an off evening (for now) but he scheduled an event for Saturday. Our "Sabbath". The ONE day we don't have any prior commitments or requirements. It matters little to me that it's an evening activity when the kids will be in bed. It's just one more night, alone, for me.

Ugh.

Boundaries. The Sabbath is a principal worth practicing since we're commanded to keep the Sabbath in the Bible. It's not just about Spiritual health, either. I believe, it's a discipline that will safeguard our physical health and family health.

This wasn't meant to just badmouth my husband, that wasn't my intent. There are plenty of things that he's GREAT at! Nor was it meant to whine and complain. I was just mulling over the topic of boundaries and my coffee induced insomnia led me here.