Always Winter but Never Christmas

I remember when Christmas inspired some kind of wonder in me. Lately, I think it's making me sick. Not Christmas but what some people in my life have made it. Ugh. I detest this new feeling of dread and anger and worry that replaced my joy and warmth and comfort. Somehow, someway, I'm going to get back my joy.

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Someone disappointed me this weekend. They hurt someone I love and then when confronted with it, didn't seem to care that they had done so.

I enjoyed one day out of my whole extended weekend. James gets 2 weeks vacation for the entire year and this year we spent one week in FL with is family and we just spent Mon and Tues with them too and the refusal to face issues means we now spent a week and a half of the entire 2 weeks we have for a whole year and I'm left wondering why I even bother or care.

I mean, how often do they pursue time with us in Indiana? Not task related but just for the sake of spending time and not accomplishing anything but building relationships? I get all sorts of worried about making sure we spent the time we're supposed to be there for holidays but at what cost? I'm angry, annoyed, and feeling yuck.

I hate having people re-parent everything I do.

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I've been reading Lisa Bevere's book Fight Like A Girl. I'd like to come back and share some of it soon. I've also been fasting for a couple of weeks, although I did take off the weekend while we were gone as I haven't tried fasting on a "vacation" before. It's been a real battle lately spiritually and I felt like my November physical ailments were definitely a spiritual attack too so when my friend kind of challenged me to join her and her husband in fasting, I let her know that when my body got into full health, I would. Well, at the end of the first week in December, I felt like I had regained strength and health so I began my fasting journey.

When I spoke with James about it briefly, letting him know that I told this friend, I'd talk with him about joining me, he said "it's not really fasting breakfast when you sleep til noon". You know, it took everything in me to not say what I wanted to say. I wake up super hungry in the mornings. The first thing I like to do is eat a huge bowl of cereal. For me to give up that meal, is to deny my body what I really want to do. It's a conscious effort. I can skip lunch any day of the week. Breakfast was definitely the bigger sacrifice which is why I picked it. Second, I was hoping we could do this together, for a FEW reasons but getting the reaction that I did kind of crushed me a bit. IT really hurt my feelings.

I am planning on starting my fast back up tomorrow and continuing until at least Christmas. I need to step up my prayer time and reading time and my being still and waiting time. Others can say what they like but my goal is to be pleasing to God and as I journey in this time, I want to hear something new and want to experience more of Him. I feel like a breakthrough is coming with the teens but it's not just going to happen. Talking about it isn't going to make it happen. Hoping it happens isn't going to make it happen. Wishing someone else would do more isn't going to make it happen. So, praying and fasting for some divine revelation.

More later on the book.....

After picture

Before Picture

Battle of the Bulge

Last Christmas, we had our family picture taken. I looked at them and was really unhappy with how I looked. Of course, up until that point, I'd just assumed all my pants were shrinking from having been dried in the dryer, not because I'd put on weight. haha

Seeing myself, I hated how my face looked chubby and I didn't feel like I looked like me. I kind of felt the need to lose some weight. I didn't weigh myself often at that point. I had gone to the doctor early this year though and she pointed out that I'd put on a couple of point since the last time. I had gotten up the point where I was almost at my delivery weight with Ekaterina. It was embarrassing.

I started exercising and watching what I ate. Nothing drastic. Just smaller portions. I lost about 7 pounds before going on vacation to Florida in June. On vacation, I lost 2 more. I ate a TON but I was walking so much. Hours out of my day were spent walking and swimming. I loved being able to eat so much and yet still lose.

I came back and held about the same. A few weeks ago, I joined weight watchers. I haven't had HUGE success but I have lost a few more pounds. I haven't had more success because I haven't been rigid. It's all me, not WW. Still, I'm happy to have lost more. I'm down 5 pounds from my after vacation weight. That's 14 pounds since the doctor told me I'd "gained a couple" ;) .

Over the last week or two, I've really struggled with the concept of not just losing weight but maintaining weight. It's hard and quite honsetly, not really all that fulfilling on my stomach. It might be fulfilling for the mirror or my pictures (and even only sometimes then) but I hardly ever feel really that happy with what I'm able to eat to be healthy and not gain.

It is kind of sad to think about how much food consumes my thoughts. As I have a bag of candy (combined from three kids worth of 2 trips of trick or treating) sitting in my kitchen, it's been very tempting. I don't know if it's because I'm actually watching what I eat and I'm not supposed to have it or if it's because I really want it.

So there you have it. That is my struggle. I like food. I don't like giving it up. I LOVE being healthier and I really enjoy fitting back into the pants that I thought that shrunk when really it was just me that gotten bigger. ;)

I've tried three times now to upload pictures. All three times, they put my text, get added in a different order.

GRRRR. No photos for now.

It's been while...

After that week of painting, my life seemed to kind of go into overdrive. All three of the kids took turns getting sick. I am so thankful that it was just a mild fever and some quieter than usual kids and not any kind of flu. God is so gracious!

We're trying to decide what kind of vacation days to take before the year is up. Unline certain cell phone plans, James' vacation days don't "rollover". lol We haven't taken anything since June when we went to Florida and hadn't taken any in the year before that.

I'm hoping we'll get to spend a Sunday away to enjoy a service at the church we were on staff at last. We love going to Life Church and spending time with our family there. Hopefully it will be Christmasy service. Love those!

I noticed this year that God allowed us to savor the changing of the leaves. Last year, something happened and nothing really changed. They were there, and then they died and fell. Not much color. This year, it was a full couple of weeks of beauty. I love it! I'm looking forward to Thanksiving this year with my family. Both of my grandpas have had some health problems. It seems like in the blink of an eye they went from "getting older" to "old". I hate thinking about them not always being in my life.

We have had some great things happen in our youth group. Still, I'd like to see more growth in numbers. Spiritual growth and maturity IS growth though so I am very thankful for that. We had 11 baptisms at service on Wed. 4 of them were adults, 2 kids, and 5 youth.

Our home group went well last night. We seemed to click as a study group and a young man who has never prayed aloud in a group before did so the previous session and did again last night. He also asked James afterward, if we offer any classes for adults who are more like children spiritually. I'm just so excited to see things happening. We're looking at really strengthening how -we- do ministry. We want to make sure we're really discipling and not just leaving people at conversion to fend for themselves.

I think that's enough updates for one post. I'll try to be more regular. (for my 2-3 readers. lol)

Redecorating

One of my favorite things to do is to change the look of a room. In college, we had to bear with the cream walls or paneling and I hated that I couldn't buy some paint and change up the scenery. Much to my roommates dismay, I rearranged our furniture about once a month. Always looking for a slightly better look or arrangement, I found it therapeutic.

My husband is not really fond of my tendency to change things up. He likes routine and regularity and wants to be able to walk through the house in the dark without tripping over something new. Lucky for me, he doesn't care much for doing the work himself so he just leaves it when I change it. (hehe)

When we moved into our current house 2 years ago, my sweet grandpa who was about 68 at the time, helped me paint my kitchen. Once the paint was up, the paint wasn't what I expected it to be. I was planning on taking the paint back to the store to see if they could retint it a bit. Before I had the chance, my grandpa was taking down the painter's tape. As much as I love the look of a freshly painted room, I do not like taping. So, I left it the color it was.

We recently got some "new" (for us) furniture. It used to belong to my parent's. It is a tan sectional couch. Gone are the eggplant microfiber loveseat and couch. I was very excited to get rid of my purple walls. I needed a change. Now they are a lovely shade of green. I am thinking of creating my own paintings to add some colored artwork to the room instead of having only photos.

I think I'm also going to paint the back of my built in china cabinet. It's white on the outside, and the shelves are white but the back is a light colored wood. It doesn't match anything else because the wood that is on the rest of the walls had been restained previously by someone else to a much darker color. I think if I paint the back of the cabinet it will make the dishes "pop" more. Who knows.

My next project should be to go through my closet and room because our bedroom could easily be declared a natural disaster area by the President if he saw it. It's embarrassing. ;P

Til next time...when hopefully I can post some pictures, goodnight!

Quiet

To sin by silence when they should be protesting makes cowards out of men. - Abe Lincoln

Truth fears no question.

“To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.” Benjamin Franklin

For all the bad rep that being outspoken gets, I'm beginning to think that "silence" can be just as loud, screaming in it's own way a very specific opinion.

I get that I'm opinionated. I get that I probably could learn a thing or two or three about being quiet. I've not blogged in a while because it might just get me into trouble. LOL The thing is, the people that are silent or that give someone the silent treatment or that refuse to speak up for truth are not necessarily the "better" person or the better communicator. There must be middle ground between being outspoken and being unable to speak with someone about conflict.

I'm finding it pretty difficult to overcome some old stereotypes of how women are supposed to communicate and act. There are many times I don't feel very good at much. I'm terrible at organization when it comes to papers and records and bills.... I'm terrible at exercising patience. I'm not very good speaking to large groups or at anything musical.

I do, however, feel I am pretty good at critical thinking and thinking ahead. I like to really dissect and idea or concept and weigh options and scenarios. The problem I'm running into is, many times, people don't want their bubble burst. They don't want to have to fix what might cause a problem later and they don't like not being "right".

In the end, it's not even about being right. It's about preventing harm, hurt, or trouble. Makes sense to prevent it rather than have to fix it later. Not everyone agrees though.

Sighs.

If only I could find my place in this world.