More -eds

Kissed: James a lot this past weekend. A hotel room with no kids will do that to me. ;)

Packed: Some more boxes up. Most of it for a garage sale next weekend and the next.

Sifted: through the kids' books to see which were keepers and which were suitable to sell

Watched: The Blind Side yesterday. It was excellent

Devoured: DQ Heath blizzard. MMMmmm

Recieved: a random envelope with a cash gift from someone anonymous. My sister brought it over. It was very thoughtful of someone and it will be put to good use.

Opened: the letter from Chi Alpha stating James received national approval. :)

Chatted: with good friends over the weekend

Cleaned: for 5 hours yesterday in hopes to get our house ready for a possible renter to walk through. (I really hope someone responsible and kind wants to rent our home)

Lounged: and did a lot of nothing today because I spent so much time cleaning yesterday

Talked: to my dad on the phone to get an update on how he was feeling

Lunched: with my mom, James and the kids today on her lunch break

Wondered: about a lot

More about me

A light hearted post all about me.

1) I miss my DSLR that broke. I am so sad beyond words that it broke and I don't have the money to replace it.

2) James and I have begun the process of becoming campus missionaries. Today we received our letter in the mail that said James has officially been approved from our national office to be a CMiT - campus missionary in training.

3) Most women would probably go crazy having their husbands off of work and home for 2 1/2 months but I have enjoyed it a lot and am really going to miss James when he has a regular schedule again.

4) I enjoy carbonation. I'm addicted to it in pop, not the caffeine.

5) I have been trying more cooking. I, by no means, cook as often as I should but I do enjoy searching for a recipe that sounds tasty and giving it a try. Last night, I made burgers on the grill and searched for a way to spice them up. Found a recipe where I used ground chuck, brown sugar, steak sauce, ground mustard, and garlic powder. I actually made thin patties and then stuffed white american between two of them and made cheese stuffed burger. AMAZING. So tasty.

6) Walking by faith these last few weeks with absolutely no regular, reliable income coming in has been hard but God is providing a little at a time. Now, we're trusting Him to provide for us during this internship where we have to raise our own budget through asking others for monthly support. Yikes!

7) There are certain things I'm REALLY going to miss about my current house. I love my white kitchen and nicely laid our cabinets, having a master bathroom, higher ceilings, french doors, built in china cabinet, wood ceilings, and a cute chandelier.

8) Things I'm not going to miss about my house: Ugly carpet, funky lights in the living room, tile in the master bath, not polished looking landscaping, drafty windows, unlevel floor in sun room, and my lack of a real subdivision feel.

9) My kids are funny and sweet. I'm often amazed at their little brains at work.

10) I'm ready to start this next chapter in our lives.....now.

The Balancing Act

My friend, Susanne, wrote a post on her blog about God and His love of mercy and justice. How we can be more like Jesus and what that would look like.

Prompted me to read some more to figure out just how we might balance these loves of God.

In Micah 6:8, it's written:

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

First thing that jumps out is that it says "require" in there. Not, what the Lord suggests or what the Lord likes or what the Lord hopes we'll do. Nope, it says it's a requirement.

Upon researching more on this topic, Doug Goins wrote

The call here is to “do justice,” not just be supportive of justice accomplished by other people. We ourselves are to be people that live out justice. It requires pro-activity on our part.

Ah, a call to action by God. I like that Mr. Goins pointed out that we can't just give a thumbs up to others doing justice, we are to be a part of that. About kindness he goes on to say:

The second requirement is to love kindness or, as some translations may say, loyalty. The New International Version (“NIV”) says to “love mercy.” The Hebrew word is hesed , which means “loyal love,” the greatest attribute of God in the Old Testament. It defines his steadfast covenantal love. Our call is to love people in the same way that God loves us: unconditionally, mercifully, passionately, consistently, kindly, and with loyalty. God is attentive, and faithfully loyal to his covenant relationships. Again, as followers of Jesus Christ, our relationships are to be marked by this kind of covenant loyalty.

If I stop to think about it, it makes sense that mercy/kindness can co-exist with justice. Think of a true friend. That friend that you are able to speak truth in love to. Isn't that a combination of kindness and justice?

I didn't realize some translations use the word loyalty in place of kindness. I like the picture of God being attentive and faithfully loyal. It reminds me of Ruth's relationship with her mother in law, Naomi.

Ruth 1:16 But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." ¹⁸ When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.

I thought another person's perspective on the topic was great.

In the Hebrew Scriptures, justice and love are not opposites. It is impossible, in this perspective, to seek love without justice. To practice, permit or allow injustice is to destroy love. An unjust society is characterized by trampling upon others, the opposite of loving our neighbors as ourselves. Following the order of justice under the laws of God produces in a society the highest fulfillment and harmony between human beings. Mercy may be offered for the truly repentant, but the unrepentant are to be brought to justice! The Hebrew Scriptures constantly enjoin the rulers to give themselves to righteousness by bringing justice! The solution to the human miscarriage of justice is not to do away with the process of judgment, but to bring this process under the standard of God through godly judges!

What an interesting concept. If we love kindness , we will not permit others to be trampled on, we will fight for justice. Why? Because this is how we would want to be treated. A great reminder in the golden rule.

This is rather rambling and it's late. I will need to keep studying this in order to keep growing.

Unraveling of a Tragedy

I'm looking at a mirror.

Tears roll down my face.

Two dark eyes stare back at me,

they tell the story of a past I can't erase.

God, I come before you.

My life is shattered glass.

I wish I had more for you,

but unfortunately, this is all I've got left.

I can't let go, no I cannot forgive,

I hate the man living inside my skin.

In bloody fields and dirty hands

many more tragedies lie within.

I'd rather feel pain, just to feel again.

It's been so long, I actually don't remember

how much my chains weigh.

I may be breathing,

but don't for once think I'm alive.

I may have even dreamed once,

but all trace of that is gone from inside my eyes.

Do you think you could send the rain,

to wash me clean, turn the battlefields green again.

I can't let go, no I cannot forgive,

I hate the man living inside my skin.

In bloody fields and dirty hands many more miracles lie within.

My sweet friend, Lisa, said she wishes I would blog more. The struggle I've had lately is, the things I want to pour out, aren't very uplifting or very encouraging. It's more of a continued brokenness and hurt that seems to be going on and when I write out of that spot, it just feels.....like I'm complaining.

Truth is, I'm fighting a constant battle with unforgiveness. Every time I see another picture or see another comment. Every time I hear another story or drive past the darn building, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and realize what an utter failure I am. I don't know. I guess it's good that I'm at the point where I am admitting that I'm failing at this but really, something's gotta give. If I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me, why am I not winning this battle. How can I more effectively give this to God so that through Christ I can be free from these chains.

I know its my issue. No matter what anyone else has done, no matter how wrong they may have been and even if they never recognize their part in our hurt or sincerely (and recognizably to us) apologize, I have to move on, I have to forgive.

I read this devotional on forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it's not forgetting; it's not pretending you weren't hurt; it's not trusting the person again; it's not even reconciliation. Forgiveness is a DECISION you make to obey God. No one, not even God can make you forgive someone. You must decide to give up your right to hurt the person back. I forgive those who hurt me because God has forgiven me for the hurts I have caused him. Forgiveness protects the forgiver from himself. Forgiveness cancels a debt like Christ canceled our debt. God says, "I do the punishing; all I want you to do is the forgiving." Forgiveness is a process, it takes time, but it is an act of grace that reflects God's treatment to us. When I forgive, I release God to work directly on the other person.

I really struggle with being so selfish with my forgiveness when I know how freely I'm forgiven. I also struggle with the balance of what forgiveness IS and what it isn't. I don't have to trust a person who betrayed trust, and I might not even reconcile that way I think it's supposed to happen, but I do have decide to obey God. When put like that, I need to get my butt in gear and work it out.

Psalm 66:18-20

¹⁸ If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened;

¹⁹ but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

²⁰ Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

Lisa, challenged me to use the lexicon and other deeper Bible study methods (thanks, girl!) so I plugged in this verse, curious about the strong language of "cherishing sin" in my heart.

UGH. If by not forgiving, I'm telling God I cherish the sin more than His grace in helping me overcome, I'm in trouble. The word heart in this verse is actually from the Hebrew, lebab. What I found is this:

A form of lebab; the heart; also used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything

Seems the word heart involves a lot. Our feelings, our will and even our minds. One version uses the word "regard" instead of cherish. The root meaning have respect for, give attention to, remain alive, heed, or take into consideration.

There is that promise in the following verse though, reminding us, if we can overcome the sin, God WILL hear our prayers and He will not withhold His love. Beautiful picture!

I love the song that I posted at the top of this post. I need God to come and wash me clean. I need to do more than just breathe. I need to be living. Regardless of whether or not I ever hear the words " I was wrong, I'm sorry", I've got to obey, and forgive.

That is the road I am walking.... or trying to at least.

Heart of Your King

If you are a follower of Christ, then you are called to fight for the heart of your King. It is a life fueled by passion—a passion for God and a passion for people.

Proverbs 23:26

"My son, give me your heart."

Proverbs 4:23

"Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life."