Unraveling of a Tragedy

I'm looking at a mirror.

Tears roll down my face.

Two dark eyes stare back at me,

they tell the story of a past I can't erase.

God, I come before you.

My life is shattered glass.

I wish I had more for you,

but unfortunately, this is all I've got left.

I can't let go, no I cannot forgive,

I hate the man living inside my skin.

In bloody fields and dirty hands

many more tragedies lie within.

I'd rather feel pain, just to feel again.

It's been so long, I actually don't remember

how much my chains weigh.

I may be breathing,

but don't for once think I'm alive.

I may have even dreamed once,

but all trace of that is gone from inside my eyes.

Do you think you could send the rain,

to wash me clean, turn the battlefields green again.

I can't let go, no I cannot forgive,

I hate the man living inside my skin.

In bloody fields and dirty hands many more miracles lie within.

My sweet friend, Lisa, said she wishes I would blog more. The struggle I've had lately is, the things I want to pour out, aren't very uplifting or very encouraging. It's more of a continued brokenness and hurt that seems to be going on and when I write out of that spot, it just feels.....like I'm complaining.

Truth is, I'm fighting a constant battle with unforgiveness. Every time I see another picture or see another comment. Every time I hear another story or drive past the darn building, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and realize what an utter failure I am. I don't know. I guess it's good that I'm at the point where I am admitting that I'm failing at this but really, something's gotta give. If I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me, why am I not winning this battle. How can I more effectively give this to God so that through Christ I can be free from these chains.

I know its my issue. No matter what anyone else has done, no matter how wrong they may have been and even if they never recognize their part in our hurt or sincerely (and recognizably to us) apologize, I have to move on, I have to forgive.

I read this devotional on forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it's not forgetting; it's not pretending you weren't hurt; it's not trusting the person again; it's not even reconciliation. Forgiveness is a DECISION you make to obey God. No one, not even God can make you forgive someone. You must decide to give up your right to hurt the person back. I forgive those who hurt me because God has forgiven me for the hurts I have caused him. Forgiveness protects the forgiver from himself. Forgiveness cancels a debt like Christ canceled our debt. God says, "I do the punishing; all I want you to do is the forgiving." Forgiveness is a process, it takes time, but it is an act of grace that reflects God's treatment to us. When I forgive, I release God to work directly on the other person.

I really struggle with being so selfish with my forgiveness when I know how freely I'm forgiven. I also struggle with the balance of what forgiveness IS and what it isn't. I don't have to trust a person who betrayed trust, and I might not even reconcile that way I think it's supposed to happen, but I do have decide to obey God. When put like that, I need to get my butt in gear and work it out.

Psalm 66:18-20

¹⁸ If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened;

¹⁹ but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

²⁰ Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

Lisa, challenged me to use the lexicon and other deeper Bible study methods (thanks, girl!) so I plugged in this verse, curious about the strong language of "cherishing sin" in my heart.

UGH. If by not forgiving, I'm telling God I cherish the sin more than His grace in helping me overcome, I'm in trouble. The word heart in this verse is actually from the Hebrew, lebab. What I found is this:

A form of lebab; the heart; also used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything

Seems the word heart involves a lot. Our feelings, our will and even our minds. One version uses the word "regard" instead of cherish. The root meaning have respect for, give attention to, remain alive, heed, or take into consideration.

There is that promise in the following verse though, reminding us, if we can overcome the sin, God WILL hear our prayers and He will not withhold His love. Beautiful picture!

I love the song that I posted at the top of this post. I need God to come and wash me clean. I need to do more than just breathe. I need to be living. Regardless of whether or not I ever hear the words " I was wrong, I'm sorry", I've got to obey, and forgive.

That is the road I am walking.... or trying to at least.