Theme for the Year

My mom always prays and gets a theme for the year. A theme and theme verse. I've felt like this upcoming year I need to be more conscientious of how my words are used. Goodness knows right now I'm out of patience and I've sent my son to bed early because it's that or me losing my cool on him.

I did spend some time in prayer on Sunday asking God to enable me through the Holy Spirit to be a woman who is a builder and not someone who tears down. Especially when it comes to my family. I'm not proud to say it but lately, I don't think I've been constructing or preserving or restoring much of anything.

In "Fight Like A Girl", Lisa speaks about the ability us women have to speak either life or destruction and I'm working on letting God use me for life. If I have power in my words, I do truly want them to be used for good.

I wish my keyboard weren't such a pain because I think I'd be more motivated to type up some moving passages from the book. My keyboard is not sensitive and I have to constantly go back and retype letters. It causes me to lose focus.

Maybe I can get past it and motivate myself to share what I've enjoyed instead of just talking about it. Susanne has probably posted 40 posts since I said I was going to try and share about it. haha!

I am thankful.

Last night I needed to get out and talk. I've been needing to talk which is why I'm considering looking into seeing a counselor. I'm thankful for a friend who let me call and ask if I could come in. It was late, last minute and I didn't feel like I was imposing, even though I was.

This morning I spent some time reading and praying and I can't say that I -feel- like anything is any better but I shouldn't be basing much on my feelings anyhow since they're pretty much a mountain right now.

Bottom line. I have a friend, and I am very thankful.

One more thing

I love it when a song speaks so deeply to me. This one paints such literal pictures. Lately, it's this one. You can click on the text to see the music video of it.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Always Winter but Never Christmas

I remember when Christmas inspired some kind of wonder in me. Lately, I think it's making me sick. Not Christmas but what some people in my life have made it. Ugh. I detest this new feeling of dread and anger and worry that replaced my joy and warmth and comfort. Somehow, someway, I'm going to get back my joy.

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Someone disappointed me this weekend. They hurt someone I love and then when confronted with it, didn't seem to care that they had done so.

I enjoyed one day out of my whole extended weekend. James gets 2 weeks vacation for the entire year and this year we spent one week in FL with is family and we just spent Mon and Tues with them too and the refusal to face issues means we now spent a week and a half of the entire 2 weeks we have for a whole year and I'm left wondering why I even bother or care.

I mean, how often do they pursue time with us in Indiana? Not task related but just for the sake of spending time and not accomplishing anything but building relationships? I get all sorts of worried about making sure we spent the time we're supposed to be there for holidays but at what cost? I'm angry, annoyed, and feeling yuck.

I hate having people re-parent everything I do.

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I've been reading Lisa Bevere's book Fight Like A Girl. I'd like to come back and share some of it soon. I've also been fasting for a couple of weeks, although I did take off the weekend while we were gone as I haven't tried fasting on a "vacation" before. It's been a real battle lately spiritually and I felt like my November physical ailments were definitely a spiritual attack too so when my friend kind of challenged me to join her and her husband in fasting, I let her know that when my body got into full health, I would. Well, at the end of the first week in December, I felt like I had regained strength and health so I began my fasting journey.

When I spoke with James about it briefly, letting him know that I told this friend, I'd talk with him about joining me, he said "it's not really fasting breakfast when you sleep til noon". You know, it took everything in me to not say what I wanted to say. I wake up super hungry in the mornings. The first thing I like to do is eat a huge bowl of cereal. For me to give up that meal, is to deny my body what I really want to do. It's a conscious effort. I can skip lunch any day of the week. Breakfast was definitely the bigger sacrifice which is why I picked it. Second, I was hoping we could do this together, for a FEW reasons but getting the reaction that I did kind of crushed me a bit. IT really hurt my feelings.

I am planning on starting my fast back up tomorrow and continuing until at least Christmas. I need to step up my prayer time and reading time and my being still and waiting time. Others can say what they like but my goal is to be pleasing to God and as I journey in this time, I want to hear something new and want to experience more of Him. I feel like a breakthrough is coming with the teens but it's not just going to happen. Talking about it isn't going to make it happen. Hoping it happens isn't going to make it happen. Wishing someone else would do more isn't going to make it happen. So, praying and fasting for some divine revelation.

More later on the book.....

After picture

Before Picture

Battle of the Bulge

Last Christmas, we had our family picture taken. I looked at them and was really unhappy with how I looked. Of course, up until that point, I'd just assumed all my pants were shrinking from having been dried in the dryer, not because I'd put on weight. haha

Seeing myself, I hated how my face looked chubby and I didn't feel like I looked like me. I kind of felt the need to lose some weight. I didn't weigh myself often at that point. I had gone to the doctor early this year though and she pointed out that I'd put on a couple of point since the last time. I had gotten up the point where I was almost at my delivery weight with Ekaterina. It was embarrassing.

I started exercising and watching what I ate. Nothing drastic. Just smaller portions. I lost about 7 pounds before going on vacation to Florida in June. On vacation, I lost 2 more. I ate a TON but I was walking so much. Hours out of my day were spent walking and swimming. I loved being able to eat so much and yet still lose.

I came back and held about the same. A few weeks ago, I joined weight watchers. I haven't had HUGE success but I have lost a few more pounds. I haven't had more success because I haven't been rigid. It's all me, not WW. Still, I'm happy to have lost more. I'm down 5 pounds from my after vacation weight. That's 14 pounds since the doctor told me I'd "gained a couple" ;) .

Over the last week or two, I've really struggled with the concept of not just losing weight but maintaining weight. It's hard and quite honsetly, not really all that fulfilling on my stomach. It might be fulfilling for the mirror or my pictures (and even only sometimes then) but I hardly ever feel really that happy with what I'm able to eat to be healthy and not gain.

It is kind of sad to think about how much food consumes my thoughts. As I have a bag of candy (combined from three kids worth of 2 trips of trick or treating) sitting in my kitchen, it's been very tempting. I don't know if it's because I'm actually watching what I eat and I'm not supposed to have it or if it's because I really want it.

So there you have it. That is my struggle. I like food. I don't like giving it up. I LOVE being healthier and I really enjoy fitting back into the pants that I thought that shrunk when really it was just me that gotten bigger. ;)

I've tried three times now to upload pictures. All three times, they put my text, get added in a different order.

GRRRR. No photos for now.