Overcoming the Awkard

I was dwelling on the sermon that James preached not too long ago on a Sunday morning about Jesus and the woman who came into the temple to be healed.

In that culture and even within the church, women were not allowed to be where men were in the temple. Those with physical diseases like she had were cast out and were outsiders.

This woman presses in, needing to be touched. She probably needed human touch in general, not being allowed to be with the rest of her society, she lacked human touch, care, compassion and kindness extended to her. Her need was great though. Her body needed to be physically healed too. She had a disease that had ruled her life for years.

Jesus didn't freak out, He wasn't threatened by her presence in a place where the rules said she wasn't supposed to be. No, HE set aside cultural, societal, and church rules and norms to meet her need, restore her, and practice real love.

She wasn't allowed in the temple where the men and the healthy were, but I'm so glad Jesus welcomes everyone, that's His way. In fact, Jesus even corrected the religious rulers when they spoke out against Jesus healing her, allowing her in their space, making them uncomfortable, and taking up their time.

Jesus went beyond the usual, the expected and He met a need. Practical love. 1 Corinthians defines love for us.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In the sermon, James pointed out that Jesus could have arranged for the woman to come back, when it was more convenient. When it was more comfortable for Him. (Kind of awkward being interrupted while teaching at the temple). He could have said, come back to me tomorrow, I'll be on the tall hill, preaching to a few thousand people, we can make this a great opportunity for Me to be recognized.

He was patient with her, as it took her a while to walk down the aisle since she was bent in half, unable to walk upright for years. He was kind, He touched her when most people were unsure of how to act around her. He was not envious of the attention she was probably grabbing. He wasn't rude to her, telling her that the rules said she was not really supposed to be there. No, HE protected her. Offered her hope. Corinthians doesn't say love is -sometimes- those things or that love is those things when it's easy or when we feel like doing them. It says love is -always-.

The leaders that Jesus was teaching could have avoided the awkward situation by removing her, since she wasn't really allowed to be there. That would have been the easy thing. Jesus demonstrated the love He expects from us though. To welcome the unwelcomed, to help restore those that have been cast out and labeled in our society, He wants us to meet needs. When we see someone hurting, we aren't to turn away because it's easier than persevering through a little discomfort. No, I think Jesus set the standard. Not just in this one example either. I'm thinking of the woman ready to be stoned, the tax collector in the tree, the children who stormed Him to sit on His lap when the disciples thought children had no place, the woman at the well - she was one of those people that His type weren't supposed to talk to. Time after time, He showed us His way.

That was one of the most memorable sermons I've heard. It challenges me to look beyond the norms, the uncomfortableness or awkwardness and seeing hurting people. Then, once you see them, meet their needs. After all, if love is kind and not self seeking, that's what Jesus would do. That's what He did.

The truth is...

The truth is, I'm not okay with it. Really. It still eats away at me. Even though I know there's nothing in my power that I can do, even though I know it won't change, I still despise the circumstances and I think it's all crud.

While we're speaking of truth. Truth fears no question. Honesty is sometimes hard but it's the right thing and purposely giving part of the details while purposely leaving out part of the others, is not being honest.

I'm still daily giving this part of me over to God. This "I don't understand" and "I need You" part. I recently read a post about Infuriating Grace. If I'm speaking about honesty and I'm honest with myself, I stink at grace. I seem to be willing to accept it from my Savior but I don't seem to be able to cut many people some slack. There's something significantly wrong with that.

Hmm. One more thing for me to "work" on or allow God to work on. Grace has been so freely given to me, I shouldn't be so stingy with others.

Now that I'm a woman...

One year for my birthday or Christmas, I got a rock tumbler for as a gift. I was thrilled. I was ecstatic, actually. I just couldn't wait to see if what was advertised was actually true. I could put some rocks in a machine, let them spin around a few times and then poof, get some shiny stones that I could make jewelry with. It came with some necklace and ring settings and I was like a kid in a candy shop.

I found out that yes, I could use it but the process was much longer than I thought, messier than I thought, louder than I thought, and quite frankly, the jewelry was just some cheap junk that fell apart rather quickly. While the rocks came out looking pretty, my dreams of their worth were kind of shattered. LOL

Now that I'm a woman, it takes more than a polished rock to impress me. I've always been a girl who liked sparkle, glitter, shine, and shimmer. However, now, I know that stones have value based on characteristics.

Well, it's funny that when I was reading Fight Light A Girl, by Lisa Bevere some more, she actually talks about this very thing. I swear, this woman, is a girl after my own heart. She speaks my language. Forgive me for constantly quoting her so much but she says it better than I could by paraphrasing her.

Time passed and we bought Alec a rock polisher for Christmas. It consisted of a tumbler, rough stones, polishing mediums, and some accessories for setting the finished stones. Let the unaware be warned: A rock polisher is a time and noise commitment. First, you put the rocks in with one polishing medium, plug the thing in, and let it tumble for a few weeks before adding the second, finer medium and then the process begins again. There were many times when, alone in our quiet house I would experience a momentary feeling of panic...What is that noise coming from the basement? Then I would remember...It's the rock polisher. I became axious for the process to be over - why did if have to take so long?

Later she continues

There was a lot of scurrying and rinsing, and then the rocks emerged. They were shiny, smooth, and shockingly smaller versions of the stones we had put in. There was one in particular that caught my notice. Weeks ago it had gone into the polisher a dusty, rough-looking piece of amethyst, and now it was a small, shiny purple pebble. As I turned it in my hand to feel all the sides of its cool smoothness, I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to me:

The stone you hold is the same chemical and molecular compound as an amethyst gemstone, but it differs vastly in value. This one cannot be set as jewelry, for it has no edges, facets, or fire. It is not unlike My children. There are those who go through the same process over and over again, until all their edges are dulled by the repeated experience. I love them and they are Mine, but how I long to recapture their fire, to give them facets, clean lines, and the beauty of captured light.

Wow. That struck a cord. Someone I love seems to be a tumbler. It's like they tumble through life reliving the same experience and while they may appear lively and fun and happy on the outside to others, their real fire and life and passion wants to be recaptured by God and truly restored to the brilliance that only He, the Artisan of their life, can give.

Lisa also says:

There have been many areas and lessons in my life where God wanted to produce a jewel, and I allowed Him access to only the rock polisher dynamic. Instead of surrendering , I whined and complained that life (He) wasn't fair. There were times I drew back when He invited me to come a bit closer. Other times, I clung to relationships He asked me to sever. In those seasons there was the constant hum of the rock polisher in my life. It turned around and around as I resisted the beauty that could have been realized in an instant of total surrender and obedience.

Wouldn't it be easier if I would learn to surrender sooner and then I could avoid the annoying sound of the tumbling polisher. Not that the process of fire is easy. Both in Zechariah 13: 9 and in Isaiah 48:10, God talks about the fire. Isaiah says:

Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver, I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

Lisa said it would have been easier if God could have said he would test us in the sauna of the spa experience. LMBO! Ain't that the truth. What if I let God test me and came out as a diamond with the kind of clarity and color and cut and quality that others admire and value? Tested by the fire where my beauty comes out.

Goodness knows I've had my fair share of fire lately. To be honest, it hasn't been beauty that's been revealed during every moment of the fire though. If I value shimmer, glitter, shine, and sparkle as much as I say I do, and if my desire is purity, than I should value the fire of adversity and not choose the option of the repetitive tumbling process. What God, are you trying to teach me in all of this? There's a lesson here, and I want to learn it and be proven a child of Yours, strong and true.

One may ask what the difference is. I think a person in the fire says refine me, shape me and asks God, "what are you trying to teach me" and a person in a tumbler says "life isn't fair" and "why me" and "not right now, God".

Thoughts?

7 Things About Me

My friend, Susanne, did a post with 7 things about herself and I thought I'd do one too. I don't know if I can think of 7 but I'll try. lol

1) I like eating topping on my popcorn. When I go to the theater they have this topping you can sprinkle on it, and I usually get the caramel topping. It's so yummy. I add some, shake, add some more, and shake, add some more and keep repeating until I think it's made it's way to the popcorn on the bottom of the bag. For some reason, I can't find the caramel flavored seasoning at the store, although I can find the white cheddar flavor at the store so I buy it and use it at home too. James insists he can taste it in his mouth just by smelling it from my popcorn. He's so sensitive. ;)

2) I bite my nails and I hate that about myself. I've given it up for months at a time on several different occasions and then something always happens to push me to starting again. I wish I could break this awful, good for nothing habit. It's so unattractive.

3) I've lost just under 20 pounds in the last year and I'm happy about it. However, I'm really hoping to get back on the weight loss train and lose more. I'm simply not healthy right now. I'm feeling squishy again, even though I've maintained, I'm not exercising, and I'm not really doing much to lose more. I want to be healthy and I don't want to be struggling with this when I'm my parent's age. I want to make lifestyle changes.

4) I love names and sometimes I think about having more children just so that I could use more names. It's silly because realistically, I'm not the type of mom that could really handle lots of children. I'm not supermom. I'm just interested in beautiful or cool names. I fancy names that are frilly, feminine, girly and romantic for girls. I'm a little more all over the road when it comes to names for boys. Some of them are strong and robust and others are a little more on the trendy or common or biblical vein. Some of my faves: Mirabella, Lilia, Isadora, Magdalena, Isla, Zofia, Estella, Tiberius, Everett, Lachlan, Cyrus, Solomon, Bennett, Matthias, Zakkai, Malachi, I can't even think anymore...

5) I want to travel to Rome, Italy with my husband someday and spend 10 or so days wandering the city, soaking up history, photographing the views with a DSLR, and holding hands hopelessly in love. One day, I WILL live my dream.

6) Speaking of love, we were watching some stewardship videos and this pastor was asked by God to give everything he had, everything. So he did. All his bank accounts, his cars, his house. God asked him what he wanted and this pastor told God, he wanted to remain passionately in love with his wife for all of their days. Awww. It reminded me of Solomon's chance to ask for anything and his request for wisdom. Then I wondered, what -I- would ask for. I thought - I would ask that my children wouldbe passionate followers of Christ. That is my heart's desire. I don't want the heartache of seeing one or more than one of my children not serving God. I really don't. If I could know that they wouldn't struggle with their faith or decide to not serve God, it would make my heart so glad and give ma such a great peace.

7) Sometimes I feel average. Brown hair, brown eyes, size 8 1/2 shoes, 8 - 10 pants, 5 feet 4 inches height, etc... you get the point. I just feel about average in many areas but when I have the chance to create things like cakes or desserts or pictures, I feel slightly above average and that makes me smile.

There you have it. My seven things, inspired by my friend, Susanne's, blog. Hope you enjoyed them!

Not Such An Easy Road

So, I'm not doing so good. I've been completely unmotivated to do anything but sit around. 8-/ It's rather ridiculous and I've gotta get myself out of this funk.

I'm reading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan along with the very end of Lisa Bevere's Fight Like A Girl. I found a prayer that apparently was in another book written by Tozer that I felt hit home with me.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I wave wandered so long.

Watching James the last couple of days, I've seen him finally come to grips with the reality of losing his job. It's been awful. I don't feel like I know what to do, other than pray, obviously. I feel like as his wife, I should have some other practical thing I could do but then I'm not even functioning like I should be. The dishes or laundry or dinner. None of them seem to be calling my name. lol

I did read some Scripture though that I really thought was for him at this time and so I sent it to him to be encouraged.

Psalm 103

Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

Praise God, what an encouragement. I really believe for James that he will enter a season of renewal and healing, if he will quiet himself before God and hear what God speaks to him.

I'm not waiting for James to hear from God though. I am waiting for God to speak to James. I'm removing the "pressure" off of my husband. My prayer is that the author of confusion will not be allowed to have a place in our lives or in our minds. We will experience clarity and peace and when God speaks, we will be ready.

I don't like waiting, but it's not about me, unfortunately. haha. I was speaking with another friend in ministry and I was telling her about how nervous I was about not being able to make a house payment. She asked me if I would be okay with God even if we couldn't make a house payment. Hmmm, I had to wonder. Would I?

God redeems my life from the pit. He heals my disease (both physical and emotional). He crowns me with compassion and lovingkindess. He satisfies my years. I don't deserve ANY of it and yet his mercies are new every morning. He grace abounds to me.

Even though

Even though I know who hung every single star in the sky and who knows the number of each grain of sand on the shores, I still struggle with not worrying about how my husband losing his job last Thursday might affect us.

I'm terrified, scared, worried, anxious. I know the Word

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

and Matthew 6:

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^d]">[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

There come times in our lives though where what we know has to be put to action and I guess I'm at one of those times. I know the right answers. I know what I'm supposed to say or what I would tell others in my shoes. God knows I don't like being in the dark and without the details or the plans. I know He knows my desire to even do what I know is right even though my sinful nature is really wanting to do otherwise.

And darn it, intentions mean nothing and actions mean everything. I really need the Holy Spirit to empower me to be better than intentions.

The Power To Bless and Love

In Fight Like A Girl, Lisa Bevere mentions that guests at her conferences often would compliment her calling her "real" or "free" or "transparent". She often felt like she wanted to hear the words profound, deep, or intellectually sound. She didn't want the alternative to real.....she didn't want to hear that she was fake or a fraud but she wanted something more. She said on a flight home she was reflecting more on the topic when she felt the Holy Spirit speaking to her.

Lisa, I am looking for something more. You can be a real piece of wood, and when you go into the fire, you'll come out a real pile of ashes. I am looking for more than "real" in you; I want to work with the authentic.

She went on to explain that a copy of a Monet is a real, it's just not an authentic Monet.

Is this desire I have an authentic desire for change or just some replica of something I've seen modeled? Am I ready to have God mold me into something that transforms my character. Am I ready to live by the power of the Holy Spirit and be the woman of God He's called me to be?

Romans 8 12:-14

Sisters, you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. for if you keep on following it, you will perish. But, if through the power of the Holy Spirit you turn from it and it's evil deeds, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.

Lisa says in this chapter,

The ability to live over and above our immediate emotional dictates and reactions (regardless of hormonal fluctutions) is a God-given, Spirit-breathed, gift of peace. When we are no longer motivated by the earthly human need for acceptance, we will not feel driven to repeatedly prove ourselves right. We can rise above this and be empowered to turn from the very entanglements that trap others. Christian relational dynamics should be revolutionary in a world steeped in offense, slander, and revenge. We should look different.

Truth be told. I don't always look different. The thing is, I have the gift that Jesus promised us when he left this earth. I have the Holy Spirit and I should be better at being more self controlled.

Specifically, I'm looking in the area of my husband and kids.

Along with blessing is loving. I will admit that I've faced some pretty big hurts in my life. A couple directly related to my marriage and for whatever reason, I allowed them to be root of anger in my life. I was young, and the leader I confided in did not really guide me or instruct me in how I could overcome the spiritual consequence of this battle I, by no choice of mine, found myself fighting. This battled left me scarred. I don't recall being an angry person before but now, I find myself struggling with this. There are times when something will set me off and I can see in my children's eyes a bit of fear. That verse in 1 John 4:8,

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

Glaringly obviously just how unperfect my love is. Lisa talks about how as women, we weren't made for war like men were. While, in some cases, we may be engaged in hand to hand combat, our real purpose in war is often as agents of healing. I love this picture.

As guardians of the heart, women have the amazing power to strengthen and encourage others. As we extend this gift, we cannot help but be raised ourselves. How does this happen? We lift others by speaking strength to their weaknesses.

She does not suggest we simply ignore sin or flaws but that what we do know and what we do with it should be done in the context of understanding the power of life and death that rests in our lips. James talks about the power of the tongue in much of his book and how hard it is to tame. I think as women, we even sometimes use this power to our advantage and just as we were not made for hand to hand combat, we distort the gift God gave us and misuse it by hurting those we love by using our words in ways we know will hurt the most. I'm truly guilty of this myself.

Lisa encourages us as she says

Most people know where they are weak but long to hear the elaboration of where they are strong. Is this not what God does for us? He surrounds us with words of hope, life, promise, and restorations? What is He doing? He is modeling the power of rebuilding lives.

So that is my prayer this year. That 2010 becomes a year of rebuilding and that I become a builder by trade.

Those from among you shall build up the old waste places; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to Dwell In. Isaiah 58:12