Until next time, Grandpa

August 24, 2010



Pulling out on to 94 back at the end of July, I knew that moment might come. That moment when I got the call and would find out, my last visit with grandpa was going to remain the last. It was one of the things that made our departure so rough. So, it’s with great sadness that I cannot be with my family today, reflecting on Grandpa’s life, not death.



Maybe God knew what He doing though. I don’t have to wonder with maybes, I’m confident He does even when I may not understand His ways. Being eternally healed is a pretty great thing! My memories of Grandpa are of a vibrant yet quiet man. One who was not lazy and yet he was not a busybody. Bold in his faith, yet gentle in his ways.



Grandpa was all about helping and serving. At 78, he was out in the church yard chopping down trees and later painting so many walls that I probably don’t have enough fingers to count them on. Grandpa Jim liked to stay active and he liked to be a quiet presence around. I enjoyed my days with him in Sunday School when he would share his wisdom with the class. If you know grandpa, you know he didn’t say much that wasn’t worth saying. He didn’t need the spotlight but he was able to be firm in his beliefs and spoke with confidence of them.



My kids know him as “Grandpa behind the church”. I can hear Tavian saying it with the cutest voice and drawn out “chuuurch”. Ekaterina came to know him as the sweet grandpa who would bake bread just for me and for her knowing how much we’d savor it all warm and buttery. Zachariah was one for hugs.



I feel so very blessed to be an adult grandchild who was able to have him in my life for this long and so very blessed that my children were able to experience him in their lives as a great grandfather.



I don’t know that I’m very much like Grandpa Jim. No, where he exercised quietness and meekness, I am much more opinionated, spirited, and well, … stubborn. He loved me just the same though. Despite our different natures, he found a way to appreciate the beauty that was found in who God created me and others to be.



I did inherit something of his though. Grandpa gave me a legacy of faith and love for God. I hear once he and Grandma gave their lives to God, it was with passion and zeal from that point on. That was passed on to my father and from him and my mom, to me. There can be nothing more precious and worth mentioning at a time like this than that. Legacy… how many of those in the news and spotlight are offering that? It is my prayer and my hope that I am able to take that and pass it along to my children and that Ekaterina, Octavian, and Zachariah pass it on to their children.



If I know grandpa, he’d not want us to spend a whole lot of time wasting our days being sad. He’s eternally healed, whole, and now home. He was always Kingdom minded and he’d want his passing to spur us all on to seeking God and serving Him more earnestly and sincerely.



Grandpa, you cause me to reflect on the chorus of a Nichole Nordeman song.



I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
…….And leave that kind of legacy



Grandpa, thank you for the memories. I love you and will miss you. Until that day comes…. I’ll be giving it my best to leave a legacy too.



Love, Carmen Joy

Your Emotions are a Mess

from "Love is..." by A Rotterdam November

You wear this like a dress,
Your emotions are a mess.
It's breaking my heart to see you like this.
Collected all your tears in a bottle.
I know what you've been through,
I've counted your sorrows.
My reply will be speedy,
You can trust Me
Because I'm here to save you.
If you only knew...

My sister is the musical type. She eats, sleeps, and breathes music. She always has a song. She sings beautifully and she has countless volumes of song lyrics in her memory. I've always been a bit jealous of this trait.

Because I'm not musically inclined, I think people don't realize how much music speaks to me and moves me. I love hearing a song and realizing it says exactly how I'm feeling or thinking.

It's a beautiful picture to think that someone is collecting my tears and He cares. While we are meeting fabulous people here in Tallahassee, it's not home and I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and frustrated.

While I don't consider myself a control freak, I do prefer to have certain areas of my life, a bit more planned and talked through. I am pushing my kids away because I feel helpless and unable to cope. I'm used to having family nearby and I miss them terribly. They add more value to my life than is even describable.

When we move back to Indiana and launch a Chi Alpha on a campus, I plan to be a part of that with James. Here in Tallahassee, I just feel in the way. It's impossible with three kids to be part of these beginning stages here and because there's no way to change that at this moment, my melancholy personality sets in and my mind won't shut off.

I can say to myself, all the Truths I know, but it doesn't take the reality of the situation away. In the end, YES!, I'll be fine, we'll work through it, and have some great times along the way but my temperament tends towards me being realistic that there will probably be some pretty miserable moments along the way.

What makes it harder is that for my sanguine husband, I know no matter what he says, he truly doesn't "get" nor can he relate or completely understand what I'm going through. I don't like being treated as if I'm just making this all up or having a pity party for myself. I'm not. Can I choose to find a more productive way to DEAL with my feelings, sure. I cannot keep myself from having these emotions to begin with though.

The people we've met here that are part of Chi Alpha have been amazing. They've been inviting, welcoming, friendly, and sincere. My struggle is not with the people but with this process right now. I know this is where we're supposed to be and where we are going is -exactly- what we need to be doing. If those are true, than I know God has plan to help me get through this journey to those places.

I've gotta get out of this funk because it's doing no one any good, no good at all.

Psalm 56:8 (The Message)

⁸ You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.

Busy settling in

We will finally have internet access on Monday at our apartment so I hope maybe I can get back to blogging then. I have missed writing down my thoughts and I've had a few since arriving in Florida. By now, I've forgotten what they were but maybe I'll remember eventually.