You wear this like a dress,
Your emotions are a mess.
It's breaking my heart to see you like this.
Collected all your tears in a bottle.
I know what you've been through,
I've counted your sorrows.
My reply will be speedy,
You can trust Me
Because I'm here to save you.
If you only knew...
My sister is the musical type. She eats, sleeps, and breathes music. She always has a song. She sings beautifully and she has countless volumes of song lyrics in her memory. I've always been a bit jealous of this trait.
Because I'm not musically inclined, I think people don't realize how much music speaks to me and moves me. I love hearing a song and realizing it says exactly how I'm feeling or thinking.
It's a beautiful picture to think that someone is collecting my tears and He cares. While we are meeting fabulous people here in Tallahassee, it's not home and I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and frustrated.
While I don't consider myself a control freak, I do prefer to have certain areas of my life, a bit more planned and talked through. I am pushing my kids away because I feel helpless and unable to cope. I'm used to having family nearby and I miss them terribly. They add more value to my life than is even describable.
When we move back to Indiana and launch a Chi Alpha on a campus, I plan to be a part of that with James. Here in Tallahassee, I just feel in the way. It's impossible with three kids to be part of these beginning stages here and because there's no way to change that at this moment, my melancholy personality sets in and my mind won't shut off.
I can say to myself, all the Truths I know, but it doesn't take the reality of the situation away. In the end, YES!, I'll be fine, we'll work through it, and have some great times along the way but my temperament tends towards me being realistic that there will probably be some pretty miserable moments along the way.
What makes it harder is that for my sanguine husband, I know no matter what he says, he truly doesn't "get" nor can he relate or completely understand what I'm going through. I don't like being treated as if I'm just making this all up or having a pity party for myself. I'm not. Can I choose to find a more productive way to DEAL with my feelings, sure. I cannot keep myself from having these emotions to begin with though.
The people we've met here that are part of Chi Alpha have been amazing. They've been inviting, welcoming, friendly, and sincere. My struggle is not with the people but with this process right now. I know this is where we're supposed to be and where we are going is -exactly- what we need to be doing. If those are true, than I know God has plan to help me get through this journey to those places.
I've gotta get out of this funk because it's doing no one any good, no good at all.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
8 You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
This is such a wonderful, heartfelt post. It's understandable that you are struggling. We are alike in our melancholic tendencies so I can relate somewhat (although I can't really since I'm not there, but hopefully you understand what I mean.) I pray that GOD will be more dear to you this year. That while you are away from your extended family, you will realize that HE sticks closer than a sister, a mom, a dad. That HE will give you such inner joy about your situation that you will see each day as a new opportunity to learn of His faithfulness and goodness. That one day you will look back on this FL experience as the year you drew very close to God and felt His presence in a way you've never experienced before.
ReplyDeleteI'm here if you need a listening ear. Hugs!