It's not as if I'm invincible.
Just like you I have a breaking point.
Stop.
Please, stop.
I'm not perfect, but surely I'm not
The person you keep painting me to be.
Really.
Pinch my skin.
Find there's a real person.
Capable of Feeling.
Hurting.

Blah

Day....how many of feeling blah? I don't know but it sure stinks.

Communication

Ever met someone who is excellent at public speaking, can pull out all the charm but stinks at common sense communication?

Me knowing about something in general does NOT mean I know the details or the plans. It just means I'm aware of its general existence.

Hello, Surprise!

For 6 years we've managed to successfully family plan naturally. That streak ended a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't feeling normal and took a test that came out positive. WOW! What a shocker. The good news is, with every pregnancy and thinking it could be our last, I just loved treasuring that amazing experience of feeling a baby move and wiggle and kick inside of me. Now, I get to experience that AGAIN.

This came about amidst some hard decisions for us. We were weighing the options of returning to Indiana as originally planned, or walking through the door that was opened for us in Georgia. After much prayer, discussion, research, and thought - we decided to take the opportunity in Georgia. There were just too many instances of Divine favor for us to walk away.

So, now, two adjustments coming up. We will add to our family and we will move to a new state. We want to settle in Georgia permanently while our kids are in school. Our next decision will be regarding the opportunity to live in Columbus, GA for a year in free missionary housing and then move to Athens or we could just move directly to Athens.

God is amazing and even though this isn't something I would have ever chosen on my own or even thought to want, I do feel more peace about than I could have thought imagined, which reminds me of the kind of peace God promises us. That kind that passes ALL understanding.

Tattoos and Ruth

Darn, somehow in the middle of a post my browser closed. Starting over. :)

If you know me fairly well, you know that tattoos aren't really my thing. I've never considered getting one much because 1) I couldn't think of a good place where I could get dressed up and fancy and not have a tattoo showing. and 2) what could I possibly like enough to permanently put it on my body.

Which leads me to Ruth. I picked up a study/devotional called Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy by Kelly Minter. It's been a great study for me because it isn't just a fluff inspirational reading for the day. At the same time, it's not so theological and deep that it's unapproachable. It's the perfect balance.

I got to Day 3 and came up to the part where we read Ruth 1:8 " May the Lord show kindness to you, as you have shown to your dead and to me". Naomi is speaking to Ruth as Ruth has followed Naomi back home to Bethlehem and leaving her home country of Moab.

We learn in our study that the word translated as kindness, actually falls very short of conveying what the word is in Hebrew. The Hebrew word is hesed. Here's what Kelly quotes from another author:

"A strong relational term that wraps up in itself an entire cluster of concepts, all the positive attributes of God - love, mercy, grace, kindness, goodness, benevolence, loyalty, covenant faithfulness: in short, that quality that moves a person to act for the benefit of another without respect to the advantage it might bring to the one who expresses it."

WOW! Is that not just beautiful!?!

Of course, Israel associate hesed with God's covenant relationship with her, despite Israel wandering at times and disobeying, Yahweh was steadfast in His covenant loyalty with her. Reading that short bit in my study caused me to want to know more. What do other scholars say about hesed? In different places in the Bible, hesed is translated as love, kindness, loving-kindness, mercy or goodness. One scholar says:

The word is used only in cases where there is some recognized tie between the parties concerned. It is not used indiscriminately of kindness in general, haphazard, kindly deeds;

Love that first off, it represents a bond or tie between people and that it's not used flippantly. In an age where we love everything from pizza and jobs to people and places, it's good to know this word hesed is used very deliberately when it's used in the Bible.

and I continued reading to find:

The theological importance of the word chesed is that it stands more than any other word for the attitude which both parties to a covenant ought to maintain towards each other. Sir George Adam Smith suggested the rendering 'leal-love.' The merit of this translation is that it combines the twin ideas of love and loyalty, both of which are essential. On the other hand, it does not sufficiently convey the idea of the steadfastness and persistence of God's sure love for his covenant-people.

I love the idea that it's an action towards each other and that while loyalty and love does an okay job of describing it, hesed encompassed a steadfastness and persistence too. This just kept reminding me of marriage and marriage vows and a marriage covenant that is made. Then, I began wondering what marriages would look like if we took our relationship and lived out hesed.

A couple of more findings:

In the Hebrew Scriptures hesed refers to the kind of love that is promised and is owed 'a mutual exchange of affection and loyalty based on mutual obligations' love formed in the bonds of covenant.

and

This bond of covenant love between Yahweh and His children, like marital love, it is neither optional nor unconditional. It is obligatory and its intimacy limited to the beloved. This is not to say hesed as covenant love is forced or compelled. The covenant partner enters freely into the bond of love. Just as in marriage, love cannot be forced but it is expected in fulfillment of the union. This covenant love may be freely and graciously given but from the biblical perspective, there is no such thing as "free love." In this way hesed is not so much a feeling as a decision of will.

Which brings me to a tattoo. I loved the idea of being challenged by this word hesed and thought perhaps I could get it tattooed on my ring finger. It could be neatly hidden under my rings but still a reminder for me to know it's there.

חֶסֶד

Accent Vlog

Alrighty, following in the footsteps of Susanne and Niki, I've recorded how I say certain words and what terms I use for certain things.

Dinner For Four

It was supposed to be a great night. Dressed up, gift card, good food, great friends. Of course, the day had begun rocky to begin with. Kids off of school = fighting, blaming, food spills, biting ----> it was the day from hell.

I thought my night out was going to be my escape (insert Relient K song music) , I thought I was going to feel safe.

It started out well. We were a sharp looking bunch with gift cards in hand. We tried to talk life and the future, and (mostly) avoid office chat. The topic of our future came up and there is was, it fell of someone's mouth like it was a truth deeply ingrained in the heart. Only, It. Wasn't. True.

It's been 14 years since I left the front door of my parent's house on Stone Avenue. I headed to college with a lot of unknowns. All I knew was, it wasn't Portage and there were no preconceived ideas of who I was nor were there expectations of me based on my past. The world was wide open.

Through the last 14 years, there have been times where it's been insinuated and even times where it's been downright said, that I have to be near my family. Not in a "she really enjoys being near her family, they are really close", but a "she's attached, she doesn't function without them" kind of way. Now, what constitutes near for some people isn't near for others. This last accusation, it would hardly be "close". No closer than I was when we lived in Wisconsin. In fact, it would be even further. Considering where we are now, it would be "close". It's all perspective.

When do I get to drop this "reputation"? And when, does a person who is supposed to know me better, finally stop thinking about their self long enough to actually hear when I'm talking? I've given very specific reasons to contradict this thing that was said. Things I meant, and things I really feel.

It's as if this persons really OLD conceived notion will never die and no matter what happens, it's more fun to pin this on me. Here's a quote as to why I think this hasn't and perhaps won't die.

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.

What it comes down to is this. It's easier to displace the lack of knowing the future if you can just throw the focus on someone else. If this person has been listening at all over the last few months, they'd know that they were displacing things so that they didn't have to turn the spotlight on themselves and actually answer questions. Pride is one of the most dangerous ways to make decisions. It wasn't attractive when it was someone else you were watching do it. Why think the result will be better for you?

This person watched as I excused myself from the table, and headed to the bathroom where the tears fell more freely. Thankfully, another dear friend followed and hugged me and waited until I could collect myself.

Tired. I'm tired of fighting this image. I'm disappointed and hurt that this person didn't bother to apologize and reexamine their thinking.

“Memory in youth is active and easily impressible; in old age it is comparatively callous to new impressions, but still retains vividly those of earlier years”

Charlotte Bronte quotes