Dinner For Four

It was supposed to be a great night. Dressed up, gift card, good food, great friends. Of course, the day had begun rocky to begin with. Kids off of school = fighting, blaming, food spills, biting ----> it was the day from hell.

I thought my night out was going to be my escape (insert Relient K song music) , I thought I was going to feel safe.

It started out well. We were a sharp looking bunch with gift cards in hand. We tried to talk life and the future, and (mostly) avoid office chat. The topic of our future came up and there is was, it fell of someone's mouth like it was a truth deeply ingrained in the heart. Only, It. Wasn't. True.

It's been 14 years since I left the front door of my parent's house on Stone Avenue. I headed to college with a lot of unknowns. All I knew was, it wasn't Portage and there were no preconceived ideas of who I was nor were there expectations of me based on my past. The world was wide open.

Through the last 14 years, there have been times where it's been insinuated and even times where it's been downright said, that I have to be near my family. Not in a "she really enjoys being near her family, they are really close", but a "she's attached, she doesn't function without them" kind of way. Now, what constitutes near for some people isn't near for others. This last accusation, it would hardly be "close". No closer than I was when we lived in Wisconsin. In fact, it would be even further. Considering where we are now, it would be "close". It's all perspective.

When do I get to drop this "reputation"? And when, does a person who is supposed to know me better, finally stop thinking about their self long enough to actually hear when I'm talking? I've given very specific reasons to contradict this thing that was said. Things I meant, and things I really feel.

It's as if this persons really OLD conceived notion will never die and no matter what happens, it's more fun to pin this on me. Here's a quote as to why I think this hasn't and perhaps won't die.

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.

What it comes down to is this. It's easier to displace the lack of knowing the future if you can just throw the focus on someone else. If this person has been listening at all over the last few months, they'd know that they were displacing things so that they didn't have to turn the spotlight on themselves and actually answer questions. Pride is one of the most dangerous ways to make decisions. It wasn't attractive when it was someone else you were watching do it. Why think the result will be better for you?

This person watched as I excused myself from the table, and headed to the bathroom where the tears fell more freely. Thankfully, another dear friend followed and hugged me and waited until I could collect myself.

Tired. I'm tired of fighting this image. I'm disappointed and hurt that this person didn't bother to apologize and reexamine their thinking.

“Memory in youth is active and easily impressible; in old age it is comparatively callous to new impressions, but still retains vividly those of earlier years”

Charlotte Bronte quotes