Not Such An Easy Road

So, I'm not doing so good. I've been completely unmotivated to do anything but sit around. 8-/ It's rather ridiculous and I've gotta get myself out of this funk.

I'm reading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan along with the very end of Lisa Bevere's Fight Like A Girl. I found a prayer that apparently was in another book written by Tozer that I felt hit home with me.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I wave wandered so long.

Watching James the last couple of days, I've seen him finally come to grips with the reality of losing his job. It's been awful. I don't feel like I know what to do, other than pray, obviously. I feel like as his wife, I should have some other practical thing I could do but then I'm not even functioning like I should be. The dishes or laundry or dinner. None of them seem to be calling my name. lol

I did read some Scripture though that I really thought was for him at this time and so I sent it to him to be encouraged.

Psalm 103

Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

Praise God, what an encouragement. I really believe for James that he will enter a season of renewal and healing, if he will quiet himself before God and hear what God speaks to him.

I'm not waiting for James to hear from God though. I am waiting for God to speak to James. I'm removing the "pressure" off of my husband. My prayer is that the author of confusion will not be allowed to have a place in our lives or in our minds. We will experience clarity and peace and when God speaks, we will be ready.

I don't like waiting, but it's not about me, unfortunately. haha. I was speaking with another friend in ministry and I was telling her about how nervous I was about not being able to make a house payment. She asked me if I would be okay with God even if we couldn't make a house payment. Hmmm, I had to wonder. Would I?

God redeems my life from the pit. He heals my disease (both physical and emotional). He crowns me with compassion and lovingkindess. He satisfies my years. I don't deserve ANY of it and yet his mercies are new every morning. He grace abounds to me.

Even though

Even though I know who hung every single star in the sky and who knows the number of each grain of sand on the shores, I still struggle with not worrying about how my husband losing his job last Thursday might affect us.

I'm terrified, scared, worried, anxious. I know the Word

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

and Matthew 6:

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^d]">[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

There come times in our lives though where what we know has to be put to action and I guess I'm at one of those times. I know the right answers. I know what I'm supposed to say or what I would tell others in my shoes. God knows I don't like being in the dark and without the details or the plans. I know He knows my desire to even do what I know is right even though my sinful nature is really wanting to do otherwise.

And darn it, intentions mean nothing and actions mean everything. I really need the Holy Spirit to empower me to be better than intentions.

The Power To Bless and Love

In Fight Like A Girl, Lisa Bevere mentions that guests at her conferences often would compliment her calling her "real" or "free" or "transparent". She often felt like she wanted to hear the words profound, deep, or intellectually sound. She didn't want the alternative to real.....she didn't want to hear that she was fake or a fraud but she wanted something more. She said on a flight home she was reflecting more on the topic when she felt the Holy Spirit speaking to her.

Lisa, I am looking for something more. You can be a real piece of wood, and when you go into the fire, you'll come out a real pile of ashes. I am looking for more than "real" in you; I want to work with the authentic.

She went on to explain that a copy of a Monet is a real, it's just not an authentic Monet.

Is this desire I have an authentic desire for change or just some replica of something I've seen modeled? Am I ready to have God mold me into something that transforms my character. Am I ready to live by the power of the Holy Spirit and be the woman of God He's called me to be?

Romans 8 12:-14

Sisters, you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. for if you keep on following it, you will perish. But, if through the power of the Holy Spirit you turn from it and it's evil deeds, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.

Lisa says in this chapter,

The ability to live over and above our immediate emotional dictates and reactions (regardless of hormonal fluctutions) is a God-given, Spirit-breathed, gift of peace. When we are no longer motivated by the earthly human need for acceptance, we will not feel driven to repeatedly prove ourselves right. We can rise above this and be empowered to turn from the very entanglements that trap others. Christian relational dynamics should be revolutionary in a world steeped in offense, slander, and revenge. We should look different.

Truth be told. I don't always look different. The thing is, I have the gift that Jesus promised us when he left this earth. I have the Holy Spirit and I should be better at being more self controlled.

Specifically, I'm looking in the area of my husband and kids.

Along with blessing is loving. I will admit that I've faced some pretty big hurts in my life. A couple directly related to my marriage and for whatever reason, I allowed them to be root of anger in my life. I was young, and the leader I confided in did not really guide me or instruct me in how I could overcome the spiritual consequence of this battle I, by no choice of mine, found myself fighting. This battled left me scarred. I don't recall being an angry person before but now, I find myself struggling with this. There are times when something will set me off and I can see in my children's eyes a bit of fear. That verse in 1 John 4:8,

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

Glaringly obviously just how unperfect my love is. Lisa talks about how as women, we weren't made for war like men were. While, in some cases, we may be engaged in hand to hand combat, our real purpose in war is often as agents of healing. I love this picture.

As guardians of the heart, women have the amazing power to strengthen and encourage others. As we extend this gift, we cannot help but be raised ourselves. How does this happen? We lift others by speaking strength to their weaknesses.

She does not suggest we simply ignore sin or flaws but that what we do know and what we do with it should be done in the context of understanding the power of life and death that rests in our lips. James talks about the power of the tongue in much of his book and how hard it is to tame. I think as women, we even sometimes use this power to our advantage and just as we were not made for hand to hand combat, we distort the gift God gave us and misuse it by hurting those we love by using our words in ways we know will hurt the most. I'm truly guilty of this myself.

Lisa encourages us as she says

Most people know where they are weak but long to hear the elaboration of where they are strong. Is this not what God does for us? He surrounds us with words of hope, life, promise, and restorations? What is He doing? He is modeling the power of rebuilding lives.

So that is my prayer this year. That 2010 becomes a year of rebuilding and that I become a builder by trade.

Those from among you shall build up the old waste places; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to Dwell In. Isaiah 58:12

Theme for the Year

My mom always prays and gets a theme for the year. A theme and theme verse. I've felt like this upcoming year I need to be more conscientious of how my words are used. Goodness knows right now I'm out of patience and I've sent my son to bed early because it's that or me losing my cool on him.

I did spend some time in prayer on Sunday asking God to enable me through the Holy Spirit to be a woman who is a builder and not someone who tears down. Especially when it comes to my family. I'm not proud to say it but lately, I don't think I've been constructing or preserving or restoring much of anything.

In "Fight Like A Girl", Lisa speaks about the ability us women have to speak either life or destruction and I'm working on letting God use me for life. If I have power in my words, I do truly want them to be used for good.

I wish my keyboard weren't such a pain because I think I'd be more motivated to type up some moving passages from the book. My keyboard is not sensitive and I have to constantly go back and retype letters. It causes me to lose focus.

Maybe I can get past it and motivate myself to share what I've enjoyed instead of just talking about it. Susanne has probably posted 40 posts since I said I was going to try and share about it. haha!