The Countdown

Has begun. We're less than a week away from our trip back home. I can't wait. I want to be there NOW! I'm looking forward to the white fluffy stuff that falls from the sky up North. haha!

Flip flops in November were nice but nothing can replace being with my family. I miss them so much.

Now, the trick is figuring which days are best to travel to Wisconsin. With Christmas on an actual weekend day, traveling is going to be extremely not fun. Anyone have any predictions as to what the best days to travel will be to avoid extremely high travel days?

Emotions are Footprints in the Rain

and I wish mine would just wash away.

What is a servant leader?

TEN CHARACTERISTICS OF THE SERVANT-LEADER - Larry Spears

1. Listening receptively
2. Acceptance of (and empathy with) others
3. Foresight and intuition
4. Awareness and perception
5. Highly-developed powers of persuasion
6. Ability to conceptualize and communicate concepts
7. A healing influence upon people and institutions
8. Ability to build a sense of community in the workplace
9. Practice contemplation
10. Willingness to change.

I came across this list and it made me stop and think. Of course, I've seen "servant leadership" preached by running people around like madmen "serving" and teaching them to be "humble".

The insight that this list provided definitely makes me more open to wanting to understand what servant leadership really is. I think God would want me to want to understand since His Son was the best example of serving that we have.

I need to contemplate more on this. Any thoughts?

Forever is a long time

“We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears.”

Interesting quote. I wonder if it proves true more often than not? I was having a conversation about marriage vows the other day. At the height of love and wedding planning, the words that we plan to say to our future spouse on our wedding day are ones that I think most mean with as much context and understanding as they have.

I'll be honest, when I said my version of in "sickness or health", I was thinking, chances are, we'd be more healthy than sick. And by sick, it probably meant a nasty cold or the flu. I didn't ever think we'd have to battle cancer together, or one of us be paralyzed in an accident. Those things just don't come to mind.

And when I said something like "richer or poorer", I'll be honest. I never figured we'd be rich or well off, but I can't say that I thought we'd have to face a year where James was unemployed for several months. That happens to "other people".

There are more examples I could give but they're a bit personal. Looking back, if we had to include the ugly in marriage in our vows, I don't know I could really utter them and have meant them the way I naively meant the ones I did say.

In the over 9 years of marriage I've experienced, I'd like to say, I've grown. I've lived, and loved more. That I better understand what making vows to love and be with someone forever. Perhaps I do understand that better, but I also understand how much fights against a marriage these days. While the challenge of in laws or dirty socks can feel rather moutainess at times, I've come to understand that when something bigger than dirty socks comes in and rocks your world, you have a choice.

You either choose to keep loving or you don't. Love is beautiful in the hearts and flowers of new love, but I think it's even more beautiful when you can love in the really ugly times.

My baking adventures

I bake a lot, but I haven't really shared much of that here. I figured I should add some diversity to my posts and share what I make, when I make it. So, here is the recipe for a homemade strawberry cake that I made for Ekaterina's birthday. I topped it with a homemade cream cheese frosting.



James had the guys small group at our house that night so they got to share in the festivities. Since purple is Ekaterina's favorite color, that is what I colored the frosting to be.

I've tried box mixes in the past for strawberry cake but they have an artificial taste to them. I made a strawberry cake from scratch a few months ago but it just didn't have the flavor that I wanted. Also, it's color was kind of bland. So, I went searching for another recipe. I came across a recipe replicating Sprinkle's bakery strawberry cupcakes. It said it made 12 cupcakes so I doubled the recipe, and then I added a little more than called for strawberry puree. To get my puree, I simply bought frozen strawberries in syrup because I wanted it to be on the sweeter side. By doubling the recipe, I got just enough cake batter for 3 layers in 9 inch pans.

Ingredients

Sprinkles Cupcakes' Strawberry Cupcakes (as found on Oprah's website)

• 2/3 cup fresh or frozen whole strawberries (thawed if frozen)
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour , sifted
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1/4 tsp. coarse salt
• 1/4 cup whole milk , room temperature
• 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter , room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 large egg , room temperature
• 2 large egg whites , room temperature

Directions

Preheat oven to 350°. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with cupcake liners; set aside.

Place strawberries in a small food processor; process until pureed. You should have about 1/3 cup of puree. Add a few more strawberries if necessary, or save any extra puree for frosting; set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder and salt; set aside. In a small bowl, mix together milk, vanilla and strawberry puree; set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter on medium-high speed, until light and fluffy. Gradually add sugar and continue to beat until well combined and fluffy. Reduce the mixer speed to medium and slowly add egg and egg whites until just blended.

With the mixer on low, slowly add half the flour mixture; mix until just blended. Add the milk mixture; mix until just blended. Slowly add remaining flour mixture, scraping down sides of the bowl with a spatula, as necessary, until just blended.

Divide batter evenly among prepared muffin cups. Transfer muffin tin to oven and bake until tops are just dry to the touch, 22 to 25 minutes. Transfer muffin tin to a wire rack and let cupcakes cool completely in tin before icing.

I added a little pink (from the NEON colors box) food coloring to ensure I'd get a color worthy of being called a strawberry cake.

Tada!

What does peace sound like?

Sometimes, I dig out The Message and want to hear something that helps me get past the language I've always read a verse in and see into it, a deeper meaning, maybe the spirit of the verse, versus the thees and thous.

I read my daily devotional email that I get and thought I'd check out one of the verses in The Message.

^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

^8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

You know, it's pretty easy for me to worry. I don't consider myself a fearful person but I am a worrier. What's the difference? Haha, I don't know. Maybe I'm delusional about myself. What I do know is that I don't have to worry. God's promised me that the burden is light when I allow Him to help me.

Recently at a Chi Alpha gathering, one of our students shared what she felt God had spoken to her. It was as if, we were at the bottom of a mountain, and Jesus is standing next to us. As we are at the mountain, preparing to hike up, we often times, complain about our hiking pack that we're carrying. We whine about it being so difficult and heavy and wearisome. All the while, Jesus, who is standing right next to us, is wondering why we don't give it over to Him, because He's already offered to help us. Sometimes, it's guilt we're carrying around. Sometimes, it's fear. Sometimes, it's doubt. Sometimes, it's hurt. Sometimes, it's shame.

Jesus, His Spirit, His blood, His power, they can take on any of those bags we're carrying. I'm so glad this student shared that night. She could have been too afraid to share, but she stepped out and I was encouraged.

Which brings me back to the verses. Usually, when I read "In everything, with prayer and supplication" (the verse in an actual translation) sometimes I think praying through something is overwhelming, but I like how The Message encourages me with the wording, " Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns". Reminds me that if I choose to praise God amidst the storm, my praises will be shaped into prayers and praying won't seem so overwhelming.

Next the verse talks about wholeness coming, a beautiful pictures, I think. Then it moves on to, It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

I looked up displace and found:

dis·place (ds-pls)tr.v. dis·placed, dis·plac·ing, dis·plac·es

1. To move or shift from the usual place or position, especially to force to leave a homeland: millions of refugees who were displaced by the war.

2. To take the place of; supplant.

Ah, Christ taking the place of worry. This does take obedience and submission on my part though. When that happens, Christ can become the center of my life. These two verses end by saying "Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies". Reminds me of movies and soundtracks. How lovely music accompanies many of the sweet moments in the lives of characters. That God's way of working everything together, produces a lovely soundtrack for my life.

Now, many Christians like to quote this verse to other Christians who have something bad happen in their life. They quote it as if God causes everything bad that happens so that He can use it for good. No, God does not cause everything in our life that happens. We have free will, we make choices. His Word does promise us though, that He -can- -use- everything to work together for good. I sure am thankful. I am thankful that God's peace, that passes understanding, sounds like a beautiful symphony, harmonizing in perfection.

Beautiful. God, help me to follow Your Word so that I can have a faith and peace that passes understanding and doesn't require an explanation or reason.

Celebration of a daughter

Ekaterina turned 9 today. Really, where did the time go? Nine years is a long time and yet, I like to think of her as a kid and not someone on her way to becoming a young lady.

When I was pregnant with Ekaterina, I wanted a daughter more than words can describe. Every ultrasound, I hoped we'd get a peek at the gender of the baby I was carrying, but no, the baby was always a stubborn being and never gave in.

Ekaterina is still stubborn. ;) When the doctor declared, "It's a girl", my eyes welled up and I don't know that I knew such joy was possible. Ekaterina was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen and I wasn't sure how I had been blessed with the privilege of raising such a treasure.

I find that now, I expect more from her than I ought. She's a good helper and I depend a lot on her. She's taken an interest in going to the store with me when it's just she and I and I have to say, life really changed when Octavian came around. What she'd grown used to, became completely different. Now, when she asks, if it's possible, I let her come. I enjoy those mommy daughter moments. Just she and I. The girls. I hope that she doesn't grow tired of time with me as she matures and continues to grow into the person she is.

She loves to nurture other little kids around her. She loves to bake with me. She enjoys making lists and using her creativity. She has come out of the reserved shell that she used to have and is definitely more socially adventurous than she used to be.

Still, the one thing I want most for her, the desire I have above all else for her life, is that as she grows, she wants to grow more in her faith. Cultivate that relationship that she chose, without us pressuring or making her. I want the Holy Spirit to be a voice that she recognizes and is sensitive to on her own.

Finally

After a few days of the returned humidity, today the weather finally gave in and the rain has begun. Woooohoo! I didn't even hear it but Zachariah saw it out his window in the room.

I asked Zachariah if it was still raining and he said "It's raining faster". Cute! It's interesting to hear how a child chooses the word they'll use. I'd say "it's raining harder". Faster makes sense too.

Today I pondered why, despite knowing the tendencies most common in parenting the baby of the family, I'm falling into the trap of not being as firm. I know Zachariah is too cute for his own good. It's not even that though. I think it's because I don't have as much energy as I did when I only had one child, or then two. I just don't have it in me to put up the fight.

I say that as almost every single wall in our apartment is now covered in his artwork. I need to motivate myself because I don't want to fall into the trap of being easier or less consistent.

So far away

Ridin' restless under broken sky,
Weary traveller, somethin' missin' inside,
Always lookin' for a reason to turn around.
Desperate for a little peace of mind.
Just a little piece of what I left behind:

It's Closing Time....

I've been thinking about this for the past week or so. When I was in high school, I knew that I wanted to go away to school. It wasn't a small urge, I HAD to get out of Portage.

Reflecting on that need to leave, I was trying to figure out why I felt that way. I had a GREAT relationship with my parents. I had lots of family in town and my life was good. Being a first born, overachiever, people pleaser, I got to wondering this week if I wanted to leave, not because I couldn't stand where I was, but because I wanted to experience more, have more freedom experiencing new things.

At home, I'd like to think I was pretty good about honoring my parents and following the rules. It wasn't so much a burden to either, it was just part of who I was. Perhaps I didn't want to stay, have the urge to "live more" and that put a strain on my relationship with my parents. I didn't want to disappoint or push buttons.

The funny thing is, by "live more", I'm talking about things like going to the movies and not having that "what are you going to see" question lurking. What if I wanted to stay out til 1am? haha While I'd like to think I was a good kid and more leniency could have been extended, I wasn't angry that it wasn't, I just wanted to put myself in a position to where I didn't need to
ask.

What's ironic about that is, I went to a private Christian college with a curfew. Mom still tried to monitor that from home. She'd called, back in the day, prior to cell phones and I didn't answer my dorm room phone. I'd call back and get the third degree about my Target shopping trip. ;)

Now, anyone that knows my mom knows she does this with people she loves. She's not trying to give me the third degree. She's just curious. We eventually grew in our long distance relationship and she learned I wasn't going to call and give her an update on my every hour and I learned to just answer the questions.

Being the introvert that I am, it's funny to think I was so adamant about going away. It makes no logical sense. My time at NCBC/NCU was priceless though and as much as I had to get away, I feel the need to be close to them now. The priceless investment my parents make in my children lives and our lives is something I'd never want to pass up.

This is not a well written, or inspiring blog post. I felt the need to share something though and this has been on my mind. If you went away to school, what prompted your desire. If you didn't, but still went to school, what prompted your desire to stay close to home?

Things you should know

I thought I'd make a silly post about "The more you know" about driving in Tallahassee.

Since movie to Florida, it has come to my attention that drivers here, are above the rules and common courtesies of the road. Yes, they don't need to follow any of them. Also, there are just some odd quirks about the place too. For example:

Did you know that almost every parking lot here are made of up aisles that are both up and down at the same time. Now, we have some of these aisles back in Indiana, but that means they make them extra wide so that two lanes of traffic can drive through them. Not here. Nope, they're skinny as heck.

Also, if you're in Tally, you don't follow the slower traffic keep right rule. (and I'm not even talking about letting the speeders go in the left lane). No, Tallahassee rules dictate that everyone should go at least 5-10 under the speed limit in every single lane.

Things like going at the green light and stopping at the red light are completely optional.

So is pulling up at the green light if you're in the turn lane and have to yield. You should just stay behind the line and completely wait so that no one in the lane gets through the green. Weird!

U turns are completely normal. In fact, the roads are made so that you cannot see any businesses that you need to get to and that makes turning is nearly impossible. This means the constant U turn by the whole of the population becomes actually necessary. (Now that explains why they're poor drivers!)

The streets here are in a wheel/spoke system going around the city and at diagonals and not a grid. Giving directions is nearly impossible. The fact that the streets have several different names based on where they run through town, also makes this difficult.

You have a GPS? Forget it working in Tallahassee. Tally is like a GPS black hole. I've gotten mostly used to the fact that getting around just isn't going to be easy. The way I fix this is that I just don't get out much. haha.

Pray for those....that persecute you.

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44

This is definitely part of the Word of God that I need to start living out.

I get being hurt by those that are obvious "enemies" but it truly rips me apart to be persecuted, treated poorly by, and hated by people that are family or that are part of the family of God.

So, I am going to obey God and start praying for them. Not praying that they'll change but praying for success in their lives, health, blessings, and happiness. I'm guessing this is the key to me not turning into one of those people that I find myself being hurt by.

It sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? Praying for someone. I don't consider it a true prayer though if I can't be sincere so this is going to take some work, and effort and probably a lot of tears. If it means I walk through this and am found as a "good and faithful servant" then that is what I want to do.

I can do this. It's not only the right thing, it's necessary for me to be who God wants me to be. Never would I have thought I'd feel like these people would become someone who felt like an enemy. Never in a million years.

Sick in Paradise

Here we are in Panama City Beach, "vacationing" with my parents and I feel like crud. Feverish, chills, headache, neck ache. Then someone mentions meningitis and I freak out. I have all the symptoms. One night, I had my kids pray for me, last night, my dad. He said he sensed in his spirit that there wasn't a sense of urgency so I trusted that and we stayed another night. Still, I'm in the hotel room while they're enjoying another day at the pool. James headed back to work last night.

This really stinks. It literally is beautiful here. Octavian said last night "Wasn't that a beautiful sunset, mom?" I replied, "It sure was. God is a great artist, isn't He, and He gives us a new sunset every night".

I just keep praying that I break free from what is infecting my body. I want to enjoy the rest of my parent's visit here.

Until next time, Grandpa

August 24, 2010



Pulling out on to 94 back at the end of July, I knew that moment might come. That moment when I got the call and would find out, my last visit with grandpa was going to remain the last. It was one of the things that made our departure so rough. So, it’s with great sadness that I cannot be with my family today, reflecting on Grandpa’s life, not death.



Maybe God knew what He doing though. I don’t have to wonder with maybes, I’m confident He does even when I may not understand His ways. Being eternally healed is a pretty great thing! My memories of Grandpa are of a vibrant yet quiet man. One who was not lazy and yet he was not a busybody. Bold in his faith, yet gentle in his ways.



Grandpa was all about helping and serving. At 78, he was out in the church yard chopping down trees and later painting so many walls that I probably don’t have enough fingers to count them on. Grandpa Jim liked to stay active and he liked to be a quiet presence around. I enjoyed my days with him in Sunday School when he would share his wisdom with the class. If you know grandpa, you know he didn’t say much that wasn’t worth saying. He didn’t need the spotlight but he was able to be firm in his beliefs and spoke with confidence of them.



My kids know him as “Grandpa behind the church”. I can hear Tavian saying it with the cutest voice and drawn out “chuuurch”. Ekaterina came to know him as the sweet grandpa who would bake bread just for me and for her knowing how much we’d savor it all warm and buttery. Zachariah was one for hugs.



I feel so very blessed to be an adult grandchild who was able to have him in my life for this long and so very blessed that my children were able to experience him in their lives as a great grandfather.



I don’t know that I’m very much like Grandpa Jim. No, where he exercised quietness and meekness, I am much more opinionated, spirited, and well, … stubborn. He loved me just the same though. Despite our different natures, he found a way to appreciate the beauty that was found in who God created me and others to be.



I did inherit something of his though. Grandpa gave me a legacy of faith and love for God. I hear once he and Grandma gave their lives to God, it was with passion and zeal from that point on. That was passed on to my father and from him and my mom, to me. There can be nothing more precious and worth mentioning at a time like this than that. Legacy… how many of those in the news and spotlight are offering that? It is my prayer and my hope that I am able to take that and pass it along to my children and that Ekaterina, Octavian, and Zachariah pass it on to their children.



If I know grandpa, he’d not want us to spend a whole lot of time wasting our days being sad. He’s eternally healed, whole, and now home. He was always Kingdom minded and he’d want his passing to spur us all on to seeking God and serving Him more earnestly and sincerely.



Grandpa, you cause me to reflect on the chorus of a Nichole Nordeman song.



I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
…….And leave that kind of legacy



Grandpa, thank you for the memories. I love you and will miss you. Until that day comes…. I’ll be giving it my best to leave a legacy too.



Love, Carmen Joy

Your Emotions are a Mess

from "Love is..." by A Rotterdam November

You wear this like a dress,
Your emotions are a mess.
It's breaking my heart to see you like this.
Collected all your tears in a bottle.
I know what you've been through,
I've counted your sorrows.
My reply will be speedy,
You can trust Me
Because I'm here to save you.
If you only knew...

My sister is the musical type. She eats, sleeps, and breathes music. She always has a song. She sings beautifully and she has countless volumes of song lyrics in her memory. I've always been a bit jealous of this trait.

Because I'm not musically inclined, I think people don't realize how much music speaks to me and moves me. I love hearing a song and realizing it says exactly how I'm feeling or thinking.

It's a beautiful picture to think that someone is collecting my tears and He cares. While we are meeting fabulous people here in Tallahassee, it's not home and I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and frustrated.

While I don't consider myself a control freak, I do prefer to have certain areas of my life, a bit more planned and talked through. I am pushing my kids away because I feel helpless and unable to cope. I'm used to having family nearby and I miss them terribly. They add more value to my life than is even describable.

When we move back to Indiana and launch a Chi Alpha on a campus, I plan to be a part of that with James. Here in Tallahassee, I just feel in the way. It's impossible with three kids to be part of these beginning stages here and because there's no way to change that at this moment, my melancholy personality sets in and my mind won't shut off.

I can say to myself, all the Truths I know, but it doesn't take the reality of the situation away. In the end, YES!, I'll be fine, we'll work through it, and have some great times along the way but my temperament tends towards me being realistic that there will probably be some pretty miserable moments along the way.

What makes it harder is that for my sanguine husband, I know no matter what he says, he truly doesn't "get" nor can he relate or completely understand what I'm going through. I don't like being treated as if I'm just making this all up or having a pity party for myself. I'm not. Can I choose to find a more productive way to DEAL with my feelings, sure. I cannot keep myself from having these emotions to begin with though.

The people we've met here that are part of Chi Alpha have been amazing. They've been inviting, welcoming, friendly, and sincere. My struggle is not with the people but with this process right now. I know this is where we're supposed to be and where we are going is -exactly- what we need to be doing. If those are true, than I know God has plan to help me get through this journey to those places.

I've gotta get out of this funk because it's doing no one any good, no good at all.

Psalm 56:8 (The Message)

⁸ You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.

Busy settling in

We will finally have internet access on Monday at our apartment so I hope maybe I can get back to blogging then. I have missed writing down my thoughts and I've had a few since arriving in Florida. By now, I've forgotten what they were but maybe I'll remember eventually.

Blessed are the Peacemakers

Well, recently, our friend Kelsie had given James and I these temperament evaluations and we've both had them done in the past but I always enjoy reading about them more when I get results so I dove back into the world of temperaments. One thing Kelsie said is personalities are more shaped and learned but our temperaments are who we were from the time we were born. It is who we are, who we were woven to be.

My results came back in all three areas as either Phlegmatic, as a Phlegmatic-Melancholy. Hmm. The initial description said:

Phlegmatic - characterized by their low energy, easy going manner, and peacemaking abilities
Melancholy - characterized by a need to be alone. They are independent, realistic, artistic, and creative. They also tend to be thinkers.

I read the extensive report and began to process how the two temperaments work together. I'm a thinker and I definitely know that I tend to be justice minded. I wrestle with injustice especially within my sphere of living (meaning, while I feel for those affected by the oil spill, my flare ups happen regarding those I'm directly in relationship with). I'm quite opinionated and while I'm not extroverted, if I feel strongly about something, I become willing to stand up strong.

Upon first glimpse it would seem that one couldn't be a peacemaker and this strong believer in justice so I started searching trying to study what being a peacemaker meant. Did it mean I avoid all confrontation? Does being a peacemaker mean you remain silent? Does it mean you pretend nothing's wrong? Does it mean you put on a united front? Does it mean minding your own business?

Back in April I came across this quote:

"Conflict avoidance leads to a false sense of harmony."

Just a couple of days ago I stumbled on a sermon posted online about peacemakers. A few excepts:

A. The Definition of True Peace

1. What it is

Some people think peace is the absence of conflict. But peace is more than that--there is no strife in a cemetery but that's not a model of peace. God sees peace not as the absence of conflict but the presence of righteousness. Righteousness will bring about right relationships. Peace is not just stopping a war. It's the impartation of righteousness that brings two parties together in love. The Hebrew word Shalom (peace), when said to a friend, didn't mean, "May you have no conflicts." It meant, "I desire for you all the righteousness and good God can give." God's peacemakers don't just stop wars--they replace what causes of war with the righteousness of God.

2. What it isn't

There is a difference between a truce and peace. A truce is when people put down their guns and don't shoot for awhile. True peace is when conflict is resolved and the parties to it become friends. Some think peace happens the instant the war stops. But that doesn't resolve the conflict unless the underlying issues are dealt with. Otherwise cessation of open hostility only brings about a cold war, which is still a war. That may result in a state worse than if the fighting had continued. A conflict driven underground can smolder and slowly destroy both sides. Two people who are at war with each other shouldn't be separated so they can't see each other. Rather, the cause of their conflict needs to be resolved so that they can come together in love. Biblical peace never evades issues--it isn't peace at any price. The peace of the Bible conquers the problem and builds bridges between people. That may involve struggle, pain, and anguish, but real peace is the result.

B. The Purity Accompanying True Peace

James 3:17 says, "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable." God's wisdom attains peace through purity. Peace is never established at the expense of righteousness. Two people will never accept peace until they accept that their bitterness and hatred is wrong, and they humble themselves before God and make things right. Hebrews 12:14 says, "Follow peace with all men, and holiness." Peace and holiness are inextricably interlinked--they can't be divorced from each other. Psalm 85:10 says, "Righteousness and peace have kissed each other." True peace is always accompanied by righteousness and purity.

C. The Conflicts from Bringing True Peace

We all want to avoid needless strife, whether in our family, place of business, or any other situation. But if we avoid conflict to the point of sacrificing truth, we are compromising our principles. We won't have true peace but a truce, in which everyone will merely reload.

------

Sometimes, to bring about peace, you gotta work through the conflict. Sometimes, to work through the conflict, you have to actually be willing to admit there's some yucky business going on and be willing to talk about it. There's nothing noble about being unwilling to acknowledge conflict. I'm quite aware I'm confrontational at times. At the root of it, I'm miserable where there is unresolved conflict and so I am trying to initiate peace in my life by working through a situation.(THIS is where it clicked HOW my justice minded self could co-exist with the peacemaker potential) I will admit, I don't always go about it the right way. Still learning and I'm sure I'll mess up again. Though, in private, I've gone back and apologized when I've screwed up.

That said, saying something verbally isn't the only way to make a statement and do damage. Actions speak pretty loudly and so does inaction. Those two things speak so loud they can do just as much damage as any word spoken, especially when done over a long period of time. We can think, by not speaking with words, we are "keeping the peace" or trying to "be peaceful" when really, we are just deceiving ourselves.

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I enjoyed how in the sermon online it says or implies peace isn't a cold war. It isn't a truce. That goes back to my quote in April about a false sense of harmony. True peacemakers will pursue, not avoid working through an area of conflict as it will produce righteousness and bring glory to God. In order to be a peacemaker, there has to already be conflict. Hence the making of the peace. haha.

---

Back to the temperaments. If God placed that temperament (NOT personality) in us from the time we were born, our social orientation and intellectual energies, our willingness to make decisions, how we are most effective in our work environment, how we give and receive affection, and our need for personal relationships it seems it would be helpful to consider that in our dealings with others. That THEY TO have their own personal temperament and it's exactly how they were created to be.

I know some people tend to be immediately responsive during stressful situations, and some that build up and blow up, I know some that are not as selective as they should be in who they are around and others that are destructive in the privacy of their own homes while pointing fingers at those who got overwhelmed around the others. Are either less damaging? Either more glorifying to God? Either more healthy?

---

If my personality is one that desires justice but my temperament in one that tends towards peacemaking, I'm going to have to carefully seek God on how to live out the two. I'm no master of this yet. I'm quite often a failure. What I know is this though, it's most beautiful to be a recipient of grace and live in peace and it propels me to offer it towards others. Perfect love casts out fear. In the absence of fear, I'd like to think there would be a presence of peace.

-eds for the weekend

Watched: a lame Lifetime movie. Finished it because I started it. haha

Cried: when my mom told me grandma was diagnosed with Leukemia on Thursday.

Laid: in bed this morning now wanting to get out

Kissed: the cheek of little Leah today when she, Mo, and her mommy and daddy came to visit us.

Prayed: when I took a shower because it was a moment of peace and quiet that I had

Wished: on a clock that showed 11:11. Yes, I still do that. haha

Wondered: how God was going to accomplish what's before us

Addressed: more letters

Mailed: said letters

Smiled: at the story Ekaterina wrote and Octavian illustrated this week

Swallowed: meds to try to take the pain out of my head several times this week

Loved: my husband even more after 9 years than I did the day I married him

Laughed: at countless things this week

Pushed: Zachariah and Tavian on the tire swing

Chatted: with a friend I haven't seen in a while

Planned: for our trip this week

Complained: about the p.r.o.c.e.s.s. that seems to take forever

Thanked: friends for partnering with us

Walked: to bed to rest my body (goodnight!)

Where's My Muchness?

You're not the same as you were before. You were much more...muchier. You've lost your muchness. (The Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland, 2010)

Somedays, I can relate. I resolved to be more patient and understanding and kind with my words towards my children at the beginning of January but as events unfolded, and now months have passed and I'm challenged by our circumstances, I find that I'm failing at my goal.

Easily frustrated and sometimes a person who doesn't even like herself.

Maybe part of what causes me to become frustrated and lose my cool is that I've lost my muchness. In doing all of the things that are required of me to be mom or wife, I misplaced Carmen. Somedays, I feel like I'm all hat. You've probably heard the illustration before. As a mom or wife we wear so many different hats during the day. "Cook", "Cleaner", "Teacher", "Friend", "Disciplinarian", "Boo-Boo Fixer", "Household Exec", etc. It's like my stack is so high that I forget to take time to be who my soul and spirit were created to be. Who I really am somewhere deep down.

I think back to a time in life when I was me. I got to explore and learn and live and well, I was much more muchier.

I wonder where I can find my muchness as it appears to be hiding.

Valuable

When we first started attending the church we are currently attending during this transition time, the interim pastor was doing a sermon series called "Signatures". He spoke of the different names of God. One week, the signature was "Zoe".

In that sermon, Pastor Emery had three points.

~ Eternal life is redeemed life. (Colossians 1:13-14)

God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating. (The Message)

~ Eternal life is abundant life. (John 10:10)

~Eternal life is unending life. (John 3:16)

One of my favorite parts of the sermon was when Pastor Emery gave a definition for the word redeemed. He said REDEEMED: set free from that which depreciates my life. I thought that that was just the loveliest way to describe redemption. I'm rescued.

Isaiah 43:1 But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

I love that because Jesus is the one who has redeemed me, I am His kin. All my ways, are set aside and my worth and value is found in who I am IN Him. He appreciates my life in that all things that take away worth from me, are gone.

What a beautiful picture.

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15)
(NLT)

A Peach or a Coconut

Adaptability is not the result of a hollow core, but of clarity and conviction about what is at your core. Don't confuse being rigid and unchanging with having convictions.

Some of us are more like coconuts - hard on the outside and hollow in the center. But we need to be more like peaches - fuzzy on the outside but solid as a rock in the middle.

What do you think? Erwin McManus seems to lay it out there exactly how he feels. I liked this chapter called "adapt" in his book Wide Awake.

I belong to a mommy message board. One of my favorite forums to visit is the debate areas. It's pretty natural in me to "fight" till I feel heard. To give my beliefs everything I've got. What I've learned in the almost 3 years I've been there though, is that I can have conviction without being rude or rigid or snarky.

Now that I've learned my lesson, new people will come in and they will come like a train steamrolling through. Harsh, closed-minded, stern and out of reach. I see them and realize how I could easily come off and it's a struggle to make sure that I'm full of conviction but that that represents my solid core, not a solid exterior.

McManus also says when we become peaches instead of coconuts it:

...dramatically changes the way others experience us as well as how we will experience life.

Ephesians 4

20 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22 to put off your old self, [5] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

More -eds

Kissed: James a lot this past weekend. A hotel room with no kids will do that to me. ;)

Packed: Some more boxes up. Most of it for a garage sale next weekend and the next.

Sifted: through the kids' books to see which were keepers and which were suitable to sell

Watched: The Blind Side yesterday. It was excellent

Devoured: DQ Heath blizzard. MMMmmm

Recieved: a random envelope with a cash gift from someone anonymous. My sister brought it over. It was very thoughtful of someone and it will be put to good use.

Opened: the letter from Chi Alpha stating James received national approval. :)

Chatted: with good friends over the weekend

Cleaned: for 5 hours yesterday in hopes to get our house ready for a possible renter to walk through. (I really hope someone responsible and kind wants to rent our home)

Lounged: and did a lot of nothing today because I spent so much time cleaning yesterday

Talked: to my dad on the phone to get an update on how he was feeling

Lunched: with my mom, James and the kids today on her lunch break

Wondered: about a lot

More about me

A light hearted post all about me.

1) I miss my DSLR that broke. I am so sad beyond words that it broke and I don't have the money to replace it.

2) James and I have begun the process of becoming campus missionaries. Today we received our letter in the mail that said James has officially been approved from our national office to be a CMiT - campus missionary in training.

3) Most women would probably go crazy having their husbands off of work and home for 2 1/2 months but I have enjoyed it a lot and am really going to miss James when he has a regular schedule again.

4) I enjoy carbonation. I'm addicted to it in pop, not the caffeine.

5) I have been trying more cooking. I, by no means, cook as often as I should but I do enjoy searching for a recipe that sounds tasty and giving it a try. Last night, I made burgers on the grill and searched for a way to spice them up. Found a recipe where I used ground chuck, brown sugar, steak sauce, ground mustard, and garlic powder. I actually made thin patties and then stuffed white american between two of them and made cheese stuffed burger. AMAZING. So tasty.

6) Walking by faith these last few weeks with absolutely no regular, reliable income coming in has been hard but God is providing a little at a time. Now, we're trusting Him to provide for us during this internship where we have to raise our own budget through asking others for monthly support. Yikes!

7) There are certain things I'm REALLY going to miss about my current house. I love my white kitchen and nicely laid our cabinets, having a master bathroom, higher ceilings, french doors, built in china cabinet, wood ceilings, and a cute chandelier.

8) Things I'm not going to miss about my house: Ugly carpet, funky lights in the living room, tile in the master bath, not polished looking landscaping, drafty windows, unlevel floor in sun room, and my lack of a real subdivision feel.

9) My kids are funny and sweet. I'm often amazed at their little brains at work.

10) I'm ready to start this next chapter in our lives.....now.

The Balancing Act

My friend, Susanne, wrote a post on her blog about God and His love of mercy and justice. How we can be more like Jesus and what that would look like.

Prompted me to read some more to figure out just how we might balance these loves of God.

In Micah 6:8, it's written:

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

First thing that jumps out is that it says "require" in there. Not, what the Lord suggests or what the Lord likes or what the Lord hopes we'll do. Nope, it says it's a requirement.

Upon researching more on this topic, Doug Goins wrote

The call here is to “do justice,” not just be supportive of justice accomplished by other people. We ourselves are to be people that live out justice. It requires pro-activity on our part.

Ah, a call to action by God. I like that Mr. Goins pointed out that we can't just give a thumbs up to others doing justice, we are to be a part of that. About kindness he goes on to say:

The second requirement is to love kindness or, as some translations may say, loyalty. The New International Version (“NIV”) says to “love mercy.” The Hebrew word is hesed , which means “loyal love,” the greatest attribute of God in the Old Testament. It defines his steadfast covenantal love. Our call is to love people in the same way that God loves us: unconditionally, mercifully, passionately, consistently, kindly, and with loyalty. God is attentive, and faithfully loyal to his covenant relationships. Again, as followers of Jesus Christ, our relationships are to be marked by this kind of covenant loyalty.

If I stop to think about it, it makes sense that mercy/kindness can co-exist with justice. Think of a true friend. That friend that you are able to speak truth in love to. Isn't that a combination of kindness and justice?

I didn't realize some translations use the word loyalty in place of kindness. I like the picture of God being attentive and faithfully loyal. It reminds me of Ruth's relationship with her mother in law, Naomi.

Ruth 1:16 But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." ¹⁸ When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.

I thought another person's perspective on the topic was great.

In the Hebrew Scriptures, justice and love are not opposites. It is impossible, in this perspective, to seek love without justice. To practice, permit or allow injustice is to destroy love. An unjust society is characterized by trampling upon others, the opposite of loving our neighbors as ourselves. Following the order of justice under the laws of God produces in a society the highest fulfillment and harmony between human beings. Mercy may be offered for the truly repentant, but the unrepentant are to be brought to justice! The Hebrew Scriptures constantly enjoin the rulers to give themselves to righteousness by bringing justice! The solution to the human miscarriage of justice is not to do away with the process of judgment, but to bring this process under the standard of God through godly judges!

What an interesting concept. If we love kindness , we will not permit others to be trampled on, we will fight for justice. Why? Because this is how we would want to be treated. A great reminder in the golden rule.

This is rather rambling and it's late. I will need to keep studying this in order to keep growing.

Unraveling of a Tragedy

I'm looking at a mirror.

Tears roll down my face.

Two dark eyes stare back at me,

they tell the story of a past I can't erase.

God, I come before you.

My life is shattered glass.

I wish I had more for you,

but unfortunately, this is all I've got left.

I can't let go, no I cannot forgive,

I hate the man living inside my skin.

In bloody fields and dirty hands

many more tragedies lie within.

I'd rather feel pain, just to feel again.

It's been so long, I actually don't remember

how much my chains weigh.

I may be breathing,

but don't for once think I'm alive.

I may have even dreamed once,

but all trace of that is gone from inside my eyes.

Do you think you could send the rain,

to wash me clean, turn the battlefields green again.

I can't let go, no I cannot forgive,

I hate the man living inside my skin.

In bloody fields and dirty hands many more miracles lie within.

My sweet friend, Lisa, said she wishes I would blog more. The struggle I've had lately is, the things I want to pour out, aren't very uplifting or very encouraging. It's more of a continued brokenness and hurt that seems to be going on and when I write out of that spot, it just feels.....like I'm complaining.

Truth is, I'm fighting a constant battle with unforgiveness. Every time I see another picture or see another comment. Every time I hear another story or drive past the darn building, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and realize what an utter failure I am. I don't know. I guess it's good that I'm at the point where I am admitting that I'm failing at this but really, something's gotta give. If I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me, why am I not winning this battle. How can I more effectively give this to God so that through Christ I can be free from these chains.

I know its my issue. No matter what anyone else has done, no matter how wrong they may have been and even if they never recognize their part in our hurt or sincerely (and recognizably to us) apologize, I have to move on, I have to forgive.

I read this devotional on forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it's not forgetting; it's not pretending you weren't hurt; it's not trusting the person again; it's not even reconciliation. Forgiveness is a DECISION you make to obey God. No one, not even God can make you forgive someone. You must decide to give up your right to hurt the person back. I forgive those who hurt me because God has forgiven me for the hurts I have caused him. Forgiveness protects the forgiver from himself. Forgiveness cancels a debt like Christ canceled our debt. God says, "I do the punishing; all I want you to do is the forgiving." Forgiveness is a process, it takes time, but it is an act of grace that reflects God's treatment to us. When I forgive, I release God to work directly on the other person.

I really struggle with being so selfish with my forgiveness when I know how freely I'm forgiven. I also struggle with the balance of what forgiveness IS and what it isn't. I don't have to trust a person who betrayed trust, and I might not even reconcile that way I think it's supposed to happen, but I do have decide to obey God. When put like that, I need to get my butt in gear and work it out.

Psalm 66:18-20

¹⁸ If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened;

¹⁹ but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

²⁰ Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

Lisa, challenged me to use the lexicon and other deeper Bible study methods (thanks, girl!) so I plugged in this verse, curious about the strong language of "cherishing sin" in my heart.

UGH. If by not forgiving, I'm telling God I cherish the sin more than His grace in helping me overcome, I'm in trouble. The word heart in this verse is actually from the Hebrew, lebab. What I found is this:

A form of lebab; the heart; also used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything

Seems the word heart involves a lot. Our feelings, our will and even our minds. One version uses the word "regard" instead of cherish. The root meaning have respect for, give attention to, remain alive, heed, or take into consideration.

There is that promise in the following verse though, reminding us, if we can overcome the sin, God WILL hear our prayers and He will not withhold His love. Beautiful picture!

I love the song that I posted at the top of this post. I need God to come and wash me clean. I need to do more than just breathe. I need to be living. Regardless of whether or not I ever hear the words " I was wrong, I'm sorry", I've got to obey, and forgive.

That is the road I am walking.... or trying to at least.

Heart of Your King

If you are a follower of Christ, then you are called to fight for the heart of your King. It is a life fueled by passion—a passion for God and a passion for people.

Proverbs 23:26

"My son, give me your heart."

Proverbs 4:23

"Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life."

Everything Happens For A Reason

Really? When a little girl is hit by a car and dies, there's a "reason" for this? Or when cancer strikes, there's a "reason". Or when, my washing machine dies, or my tire goes flat, there is some reason?

See, I've known those O words about God since I was a young girl. Between Sunday School and Christian elementary school, I knew that God was omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. Everywhere (always present), All-powerful, and all-knowing. Somehow, we associate the all-knowing part of God with something that I think is wrong.

People usually say "everything happens for a reason" and follow it up with "God knew this was going to happen" to try to comfort people in hard times. They usually imply by the way they say it and the timing of such phrase that it is God's will for such a thing to happen and then throw in the verse about how God can use anything for good.

In my (at this time, not very humble at all) opinion, Christians needs to stop pretending that bad things happening are God's plan. Sometimes, cruddy things happen because in order to experience in the intimacy of communion with the creator of the earth, He had to give us a free will. We live in a world that has suffering and pain because we are imperfect people. Sure, God knows every single one of my days before I live them.

Sometimes, I believe God allows us to experience trials for our benefits, however, sometimes, I think we go through things simply because we live in a world with other humans. People seem to sit around unwilling to to do anything about the wrong going on simply because "God has a plan".

I realize I'm going to be okay. My family is going to be okay. My kids are going to be okay. Yet, if we become callused to hurting and the needs and lives of others, we are missing the point of being the hands and feet of Jesus. Next time you start to utter those words to someone, stop and think about them. Remember, sometimes life isn't fair. While God always has a plan and purpose for our lives, we live in a world full of free wills and we are affected by the cause and affect relationships of everyone around us. Our families, the drunk driver on the road, our bosses, ourselves, the substances we put in our bodies..... sometimes those words aren't going to do anything but cause the hurt to hurt more.

What does faith mean for me?

As we embarked on our journey to this phase of the unknown, people were constantly telling us, "God has something better". "You're going to move onto something greater". I don't know if that was them trying to reassure themselves, after the decision was made or if it was just the standard Christian response to someone going through a hardship.

So, I've been reading my Bible and some other books for food and encouragement and I picked back up "A Contrarian's Guide to Knowing God" by Larry Osborne.

The more I explored the biblical accounts and the less I listened to the motivational talks, the more I became convinced that the kind of faith God wanted from me was quite different from the kind I was constantly being exhorted to have.

Osborne goes on to suggest that faith is less about claiming away doubt but rather a heart of obedience despite the circumstances. I'm more inclined to agree with Osborne.

He says:

The Greek word translated as faith in our Bibles has nothing to do with a powerful imagination, eradicating doubt, or any other form of mind of matter. It has nothing to do with feelings or mental imagery. It has to do with obedience.

I'm thinking, if I can believe God and take His word for just that, HIS word, and obey Him, no matter what my circumstances look like, I'm demonstrating faith. It might not be about not having doubts or concerns throughout my obedience.

Larry gave a great example in his book. Remember Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? They were commanded like the rest of the nation to bow to the golden image. However, they did not want to go against their beliefs and so they did not bow, even with the threat of being thrown into a fire.

Here's what they said to the king,

O, Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we're thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O King.

Wow. We often times in that story see faith in the boldness of standing up to the king and letting him know about their God and how He could save them. (And we all know He could)

Their faith at its greatest, however, may have come from them recognizing that He may not deliver them and yet they were determined to walk in obedience still. Perhaps that is faith really defined. Following God even if the pay off, isn't in the right here and now.

But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

I wonder, can I stop and listen long enough for God's voice so that I -can- obey, demonstrate my faith and trust in Him.

Osborne says:

The important lesson in this story is not the Sunday school take-home that if we trust God enough and do the right thing, He'll get us out of every fiery jam. While it's certainly true that God honors our faith and obedience with miraculous deliverance, most often His reward comes much later - in a place and time called eternity.

The important lesson is that God is pleased with obedience even when we expect the worst.

I'm going to try to meditate on this topic of faith some more and keep asking God what He wants of me so that I can obey. Jesus' statement about the mustard seed... was He saying we needed more with His illustration or was He trying to say that we can do great things with whatever amount we have, through obedience?

-eds inspired by Susie.

Over the last week I:

Filled: out a form for Ekaterina's school

Checked: my email, lots of times

Figured: out how to make peanut butter pancakes

Visited: with my sister over dinner tonight

Moved: the old runner rug to the garbage and put the new one out

Transferred: a pile of mail from the mailbox to the counter. haha!

Enjoyed: hanging out with Zachariah, just the 2 of us

Gathered: clothes for Tavian's first non-related sleepover

Laughed: at Tavian's silly faces

Played: Webkinz to earn Tavian's pet Octo some Kinzcash

Discovered: that I need to get back to exercising and soon!

Wowed: by Ekaterina's talents and abilities. She's so smart and bright.

Teared: up at just about anything this week.

Pondered: what God could be trying to teach me through this icky time right now.

Overcoming the Awkard

I was dwelling on the sermon that James preached not too long ago on a Sunday morning about Jesus and the woman who came into the temple to be healed.

In that culture and even within the church, women were not allowed to be where men were in the temple. Those with physical diseases like she had were cast out and were outsiders.

This woman presses in, needing to be touched. She probably needed human touch in general, not being allowed to be with the rest of her society, she lacked human touch, care, compassion and kindness extended to her. Her need was great though. Her body needed to be physically healed too. She had a disease that had ruled her life for years.

Jesus didn't freak out, He wasn't threatened by her presence in a place where the rules said she wasn't supposed to be. No, HE set aside cultural, societal, and church rules and norms to meet her need, restore her, and practice real love.

She wasn't allowed in the temple where the men and the healthy were, but I'm so glad Jesus welcomes everyone, that's His way. In fact, Jesus even corrected the religious rulers when they spoke out against Jesus healing her, allowing her in their space, making them uncomfortable, and taking up their time.

Jesus went beyond the usual, the expected and He met a need. Practical love. 1 Corinthians defines love for us.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In the sermon, James pointed out that Jesus could have arranged for the woman to come back, when it was more convenient. When it was more comfortable for Him. (Kind of awkward being interrupted while teaching at the temple). He could have said, come back to me tomorrow, I'll be on the tall hill, preaching to a few thousand people, we can make this a great opportunity for Me to be recognized.

He was patient with her, as it took her a while to walk down the aisle since she was bent in half, unable to walk upright for years. He was kind, He touched her when most people were unsure of how to act around her. He was not envious of the attention she was probably grabbing. He wasn't rude to her, telling her that the rules said she was not really supposed to be there. No, HE protected her. Offered her hope. Corinthians doesn't say love is -sometimes- those things or that love is those things when it's easy or when we feel like doing them. It says love is -always-.

The leaders that Jesus was teaching could have avoided the awkward situation by removing her, since she wasn't really allowed to be there. That would have been the easy thing. Jesus demonstrated the love He expects from us though. To welcome the unwelcomed, to help restore those that have been cast out and labeled in our society, He wants us to meet needs. When we see someone hurting, we aren't to turn away because it's easier than persevering through a little discomfort. No, I think Jesus set the standard. Not just in this one example either. I'm thinking of the woman ready to be stoned, the tax collector in the tree, the children who stormed Him to sit on His lap when the disciples thought children had no place, the woman at the well - she was one of those people that His type weren't supposed to talk to. Time after time, He showed us His way.

That was one of the most memorable sermons I've heard. It challenges me to look beyond the norms, the uncomfortableness or awkwardness and seeing hurting people. Then, once you see them, meet their needs. After all, if love is kind and not self seeking, that's what Jesus would do. That's what He did.

The truth is...

The truth is, I'm not okay with it. Really. It still eats away at me. Even though I know there's nothing in my power that I can do, even though I know it won't change, I still despise the circumstances and I think it's all crud.

While we're speaking of truth. Truth fears no question. Honesty is sometimes hard but it's the right thing and purposely giving part of the details while purposely leaving out part of the others, is not being honest.

I'm still daily giving this part of me over to God. This "I don't understand" and "I need You" part. I recently read a post about Infuriating Grace. If I'm speaking about honesty and I'm honest with myself, I stink at grace. I seem to be willing to accept it from my Savior but I don't seem to be able to cut many people some slack. There's something significantly wrong with that.

Hmm. One more thing for me to "work" on or allow God to work on. Grace has been so freely given to me, I shouldn't be so stingy with others.

Now that I'm a woman...

One year for my birthday or Christmas, I got a rock tumbler for as a gift. I was thrilled. I was ecstatic, actually. I just couldn't wait to see if what was advertised was actually true. I could put some rocks in a machine, let them spin around a few times and then poof, get some shiny stones that I could make jewelry with. It came with some necklace and ring settings and I was like a kid in a candy shop.

I found out that yes, I could use it but the process was much longer than I thought, messier than I thought, louder than I thought, and quite frankly, the jewelry was just some cheap junk that fell apart rather quickly. While the rocks came out looking pretty, my dreams of their worth were kind of shattered. LOL

Now that I'm a woman, it takes more than a polished rock to impress me. I've always been a girl who liked sparkle, glitter, shine, and shimmer. However, now, I know that stones have value based on characteristics.

Well, it's funny that when I was reading Fight Light A Girl, by Lisa Bevere some more, she actually talks about this very thing. I swear, this woman, is a girl after my own heart. She speaks my language. Forgive me for constantly quoting her so much but she says it better than I could by paraphrasing her.

Time passed and we bought Alec a rock polisher for Christmas. It consisted of a tumbler, rough stones, polishing mediums, and some accessories for setting the finished stones. Let the unaware be warned: A rock polisher is a time and noise commitment. First, you put the rocks in with one polishing medium, plug the thing in, and let it tumble for a few weeks before adding the second, finer medium and then the process begins again. There were many times when, alone in our quiet house I would experience a momentary feeling of panic...What is that noise coming from the basement? Then I would remember...It's the rock polisher. I became axious for the process to be over - why did if have to take so long?

Later she continues

There was a lot of scurrying and rinsing, and then the rocks emerged. They were shiny, smooth, and shockingly smaller versions of the stones we had put in. There was one in particular that caught my notice. Weeks ago it had gone into the polisher a dusty, rough-looking piece of amethyst, and now it was a small, shiny purple pebble. As I turned it in my hand to feel all the sides of its cool smoothness, I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to me:

The stone you hold is the same chemical and molecular compound as an amethyst gemstone, but it differs vastly in value. This one cannot be set as jewelry, for it has no edges, facets, or fire. It is not unlike My children. There are those who go through the same process over and over again, until all their edges are dulled by the repeated experience. I love them and they are Mine, but how I long to recapture their fire, to give them facets, clean lines, and the beauty of captured light.

Wow. That struck a cord. Someone I love seems to be a tumbler. It's like they tumble through life reliving the same experience and while they may appear lively and fun and happy on the outside to others, their real fire and life and passion wants to be recaptured by God and truly restored to the brilliance that only He, the Artisan of their life, can give.

Lisa also says:

There have been many areas and lessons in my life where God wanted to produce a jewel, and I allowed Him access to only the rock polisher dynamic. Instead of surrendering , I whined and complained that life (He) wasn't fair. There were times I drew back when He invited me to come a bit closer. Other times, I clung to relationships He asked me to sever. In those seasons there was the constant hum of the rock polisher in my life. It turned around and around as I resisted the beauty that could have been realized in an instant of total surrender and obedience.

Wouldn't it be easier if I would learn to surrender sooner and then I could avoid the annoying sound of the tumbling polisher. Not that the process of fire is easy. Both in Zechariah 13: 9 and in Isaiah 48:10, God talks about the fire. Isaiah says:

Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver, I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

Lisa said it would have been easier if God could have said he would test us in the sauna of the spa experience. LMBO! Ain't that the truth. What if I let God test me and came out as a diamond with the kind of clarity and color and cut and quality that others admire and value? Tested by the fire where my beauty comes out.

Goodness knows I've had my fair share of fire lately. To be honest, it hasn't been beauty that's been revealed during every moment of the fire though. If I value shimmer, glitter, shine, and sparkle as much as I say I do, and if my desire is purity, than I should value the fire of adversity and not choose the option of the repetitive tumbling process. What God, are you trying to teach me in all of this? There's a lesson here, and I want to learn it and be proven a child of Yours, strong and true.

One may ask what the difference is. I think a person in the fire says refine me, shape me and asks God, "what are you trying to teach me" and a person in a tumbler says "life isn't fair" and "why me" and "not right now, God".

Thoughts?

7 Things About Me

My friend, Susanne, did a post with 7 things about herself and I thought I'd do one too. I don't know if I can think of 7 but I'll try. lol

1) I like eating topping on my popcorn. When I go to the theater they have this topping you can sprinkle on it, and I usually get the caramel topping. It's so yummy. I add some, shake, add some more, and shake, add some more and keep repeating until I think it's made it's way to the popcorn on the bottom of the bag. For some reason, I can't find the caramel flavored seasoning at the store, although I can find the white cheddar flavor at the store so I buy it and use it at home too. James insists he can taste it in his mouth just by smelling it from my popcorn. He's so sensitive. ;)

2) I bite my nails and I hate that about myself. I've given it up for months at a time on several different occasions and then something always happens to push me to starting again. I wish I could break this awful, good for nothing habit. It's so unattractive.

3) I've lost just under 20 pounds in the last year and I'm happy about it. However, I'm really hoping to get back on the weight loss train and lose more. I'm simply not healthy right now. I'm feeling squishy again, even though I've maintained, I'm not exercising, and I'm not really doing much to lose more. I want to be healthy and I don't want to be struggling with this when I'm my parent's age. I want to make lifestyle changes.

4) I love names and sometimes I think about having more children just so that I could use more names. It's silly because realistically, I'm not the type of mom that could really handle lots of children. I'm not supermom. I'm just interested in beautiful or cool names. I fancy names that are frilly, feminine, girly and romantic for girls. I'm a little more all over the road when it comes to names for boys. Some of them are strong and robust and others are a little more on the trendy or common or biblical vein. Some of my faves: Mirabella, Lilia, Isadora, Magdalena, Isla, Zofia, Estella, Tiberius, Everett, Lachlan, Cyrus, Solomon, Bennett, Matthias, Zakkai, Malachi, I can't even think anymore...

5) I want to travel to Rome, Italy with my husband someday and spend 10 or so days wandering the city, soaking up history, photographing the views with a DSLR, and holding hands hopelessly in love. One day, I WILL live my dream.

6) Speaking of love, we were watching some stewardship videos and this pastor was asked by God to give everything he had, everything. So he did. All his bank accounts, his cars, his house. God asked him what he wanted and this pastor told God, he wanted to remain passionately in love with his wife for all of their days. Awww. It reminded me of Solomon's chance to ask for anything and his request for wisdom. Then I wondered, what -I- would ask for. I thought - I would ask that my children wouldbe passionate followers of Christ. That is my heart's desire. I don't want the heartache of seeing one or more than one of my children not serving God. I really don't. If I could know that they wouldn't struggle with their faith or decide to not serve God, it would make my heart so glad and give ma such a great peace.

7) Sometimes I feel average. Brown hair, brown eyes, size 8 1/2 shoes, 8 - 10 pants, 5 feet 4 inches height, etc... you get the point. I just feel about average in many areas but when I have the chance to create things like cakes or desserts or pictures, I feel slightly above average and that makes me smile.

There you have it. My seven things, inspired by my friend, Susanne's, blog. Hope you enjoyed them!

Not Such An Easy Road

So, I'm not doing so good. I've been completely unmotivated to do anything but sit around. 8-/ It's rather ridiculous and I've gotta get myself out of this funk.

I'm reading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan along with the very end of Lisa Bevere's Fight Like A Girl. I found a prayer that apparently was in another book written by Tozer that I felt hit home with me.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I wave wandered so long.

Watching James the last couple of days, I've seen him finally come to grips with the reality of losing his job. It's been awful. I don't feel like I know what to do, other than pray, obviously. I feel like as his wife, I should have some other practical thing I could do but then I'm not even functioning like I should be. The dishes or laundry or dinner. None of them seem to be calling my name. lol

I did read some Scripture though that I really thought was for him at this time and so I sent it to him to be encouraged.

Psalm 103

Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

Praise God, what an encouragement. I really believe for James that he will enter a season of renewal and healing, if he will quiet himself before God and hear what God speaks to him.

I'm not waiting for James to hear from God though. I am waiting for God to speak to James. I'm removing the "pressure" off of my husband. My prayer is that the author of confusion will not be allowed to have a place in our lives or in our minds. We will experience clarity and peace and when God speaks, we will be ready.

I don't like waiting, but it's not about me, unfortunately. haha. I was speaking with another friend in ministry and I was telling her about how nervous I was about not being able to make a house payment. She asked me if I would be okay with God even if we couldn't make a house payment. Hmmm, I had to wonder. Would I?

God redeems my life from the pit. He heals my disease (both physical and emotional). He crowns me with compassion and lovingkindess. He satisfies my years. I don't deserve ANY of it and yet his mercies are new every morning. He grace abounds to me.

Even though

Even though I know who hung every single star in the sky and who knows the number of each grain of sand on the shores, I still struggle with not worrying about how my husband losing his job last Thursday might affect us.

I'm terrified, scared, worried, anxious. I know the Word

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

and Matthew 6:

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^d]">[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

There come times in our lives though where what we know has to be put to action and I guess I'm at one of those times. I know the right answers. I know what I'm supposed to say or what I would tell others in my shoes. God knows I don't like being in the dark and without the details or the plans. I know He knows my desire to even do what I know is right even though my sinful nature is really wanting to do otherwise.

And darn it, intentions mean nothing and actions mean everything. I really need the Holy Spirit to empower me to be better than intentions.

The Power To Bless and Love

In Fight Like A Girl, Lisa Bevere mentions that guests at her conferences often would compliment her calling her "real" or "free" or "transparent". She often felt like she wanted to hear the words profound, deep, or intellectually sound. She didn't want the alternative to real.....she didn't want to hear that she was fake or a fraud but she wanted something more. She said on a flight home she was reflecting more on the topic when she felt the Holy Spirit speaking to her.

Lisa, I am looking for something more. You can be a real piece of wood, and when you go into the fire, you'll come out a real pile of ashes. I am looking for more than "real" in you; I want to work with the authentic.

She went on to explain that a copy of a Monet is a real, it's just not an authentic Monet.

Is this desire I have an authentic desire for change or just some replica of something I've seen modeled? Am I ready to have God mold me into something that transforms my character. Am I ready to live by the power of the Holy Spirit and be the woman of God He's called me to be?

Romans 8 12:-14

Sisters, you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. for if you keep on following it, you will perish. But, if through the power of the Holy Spirit you turn from it and it's evil deeds, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.

Lisa says in this chapter,

The ability to live over and above our immediate emotional dictates and reactions (regardless of hormonal fluctutions) is a God-given, Spirit-breathed, gift of peace. When we are no longer motivated by the earthly human need for acceptance, we will not feel driven to repeatedly prove ourselves right. We can rise above this and be empowered to turn from the very entanglements that trap others. Christian relational dynamics should be revolutionary in a world steeped in offense, slander, and revenge. We should look different.

Truth be told. I don't always look different. The thing is, I have the gift that Jesus promised us when he left this earth. I have the Holy Spirit and I should be better at being more self controlled.

Specifically, I'm looking in the area of my husband and kids.

Along with blessing is loving. I will admit that I've faced some pretty big hurts in my life. A couple directly related to my marriage and for whatever reason, I allowed them to be root of anger in my life. I was young, and the leader I confided in did not really guide me or instruct me in how I could overcome the spiritual consequence of this battle I, by no choice of mine, found myself fighting. This battled left me scarred. I don't recall being an angry person before but now, I find myself struggling with this. There are times when something will set me off and I can see in my children's eyes a bit of fear. That verse in 1 John 4:8,

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

Glaringly obviously just how unperfect my love is. Lisa talks about how as women, we weren't made for war like men were. While, in some cases, we may be engaged in hand to hand combat, our real purpose in war is often as agents of healing. I love this picture.

As guardians of the heart, women have the amazing power to strengthen and encourage others. As we extend this gift, we cannot help but be raised ourselves. How does this happen? We lift others by speaking strength to their weaknesses.

She does not suggest we simply ignore sin or flaws but that what we do know and what we do with it should be done in the context of understanding the power of life and death that rests in our lips. James talks about the power of the tongue in much of his book and how hard it is to tame. I think as women, we even sometimes use this power to our advantage and just as we were not made for hand to hand combat, we distort the gift God gave us and misuse it by hurting those we love by using our words in ways we know will hurt the most. I'm truly guilty of this myself.

Lisa encourages us as she says

Most people know where they are weak but long to hear the elaboration of where they are strong. Is this not what God does for us? He surrounds us with words of hope, life, promise, and restorations? What is He doing? He is modeling the power of rebuilding lives.

So that is my prayer this year. That 2010 becomes a year of rebuilding and that I become a builder by trade.

Those from among you shall build up the old waste places; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to Dwell In. Isaiah 58:12